


A Series of Perfectly Reasonable Misunderstandings

by OneOfThoseThings



Series: Nice Things; Good Things [4]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien/Human Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And a bit cute, Awesome Donna Noble, Awesome Rose Tyler, But a very clever idiot, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship/Love, Interspecies Relationship(s), Jack being Jack, Light Angst, Minor Donna Noble/Rose Tyler, Minor Jack Harkness/Rose Tyler, Minor Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness, Minor Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Multi, Polyamory, Rating Rounded Up (for Safety), Relationship Negotiation, Telepathy, The Doctor (Doctor Who) is an Idiot, The metacrisis Doctor is just trying to live but nooo, Time Lords Are Aliens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:41:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26770840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneOfThoseThings/pseuds/OneOfThoseThings
Summary: With five people on the TARDIS some minor complications can be expected. Especially with two Doctors in the mix. And a bunch of frisky humans, getting each other all wound up.(A helpful summary of key points is provided right up front for those with limited time or memory.)
Relationships: Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Donna Noble, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness/Rose Tyler, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Donna Noble
Series: Nice Things; Good Things [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932247
Comments: 128
Kudos: 109





	1. An Honest Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to Quercusrobur who heroically beta read this for both grammar and content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously, on The Series Started by Accident:  
> [Spoilers for 'It Has Been 0 Days Since the Last Incident']  
> > Donna let Rose and the metacrisis Doctor right back onto the TARDIS after Bad Wolf Bay.  
> > The metacrisis Doctor kept the Time Lord from taking Donna's memories and they went right back to traveling together.  
> > Donna and the Doctor paired up, somewhat awkwardly, and Rose and the metacrisis Doctor paired up much less awkwardly.  
> > Rose and the metacrisis Doctor picked up Jack to round out the full house, and the immortal finally got his formal invitation to rejoin the crew. (Though the Doctor had no idea why he needed to be asked twice.)

The Doctor was sent out for tea while Donna showered for the thousandth time (by his count.) No more than two minutes into his search, he was distracted by a large bowl of cherries inexplicably placed just outside the galley. 

He picked it up, looking it over. It appeared to be an entirely unremarkable bowl of cherries, slightly damp as though they’d just been washed. 

He poked his head inside the galley, but the room was completely empty, save a few stray fruits that seemed to have rolled free. 

“…Rose?” he called. 

There was a faint answer from down the hall. He popped a few cherries in his mouth and followed the voice to the game room. Rose was inside, curled up on one of the settees.

“Took you long enough,” she said, grinning. “Was starting to think you two ditched me.” 

The Doctor frowned, feeling a bit guilty. Had she been waiting on them? He started to ask, realized he still had a mouthful of cherries, and focused on chewing, coming around to offer the bowl. 

Rose took it, catching his shirtsleeve. “Did you change?”

He refused to blush, mumbling something that would have certainly been a valid excuse if it weren’t for his mouth still being full. 

Rose laughed, tugging lightly on his tie. “How many cherries did you put in there?”

He shrugged, sitting next to her, still chewing. He couldn’t remember Rose’s stance on talking with one’s mouth full, but he’d been chewed out by Donna enough times not to risk it. He swallowed, throat working. 

Rose didn’t seem to mind, smiling and leaning forward. 

He realized her intent just a moment too late as soft, smiling lips met his own, pressing just so. 

She tilted her head, gently moulding her mouth to his and he had just enough time to note that she clearly knew what she was doing before she jerked back. 

Her eyes were wide and large enough that he could see his own dumbfounded look reflected back at him. 

“Rose??” A familiar voice came from behind them. They both whipped around to find Jack and the metacrisis Doctor standing in the doorway, oddly rumpled and staring. 

The Doctor wasn’t quite sure who or what to look at. 

“Sorry!” Rose squeaked. “I thought you were…” She gestured vaguely in the direction of the metacrisis Doctor who was trying and failing to straighten his tie, looking like he’d been dragged through a bush backwards. 

“You thought  _ I _ was  _ him _ ?!” The Doctor realized the implication on an embarrassing delay, but in his defense this wasn’t the sort of thing that the last Time Lord in existence should have to deal with. He jumped up like the settee had caught fire. “This is the game room! The door was open!” 

As though to illustrate, Donna appeared in the doorway, wearing a brightly-colored robe. “What’s all this shouting?” 

All four people in the room opened their mouths, had a little realization, and closed them again. 

Donna turned her skeptical look on the metacrisis Doctor. “Having a party without me?” 

Jack choked on a laugh and busied himself clearing his throat. 

Rose finally piped up. “I thought  _ this _ Doctor was, um,  _ that _ Doctor,” she said, gesturing weakly between them. 

Donna looked them both up and down. “Well that’s hardly news. Why all the― Ohhhhhhh…” She trailed off, brows shooting into her fringe. “Take it you didn’t clear that up verbally?”

The Doctor sputtered, “My mouth was full! Of cherries!” He snatched the bowl up to illustrate, throwing several out in his emphatic motioning. 

Donna held a hand up. “Sorry, am I supposed to just magically know where the cherries come in?”

The Doctor gestured again in a small tidal wave of fruit. “This bowl was sitting outside the galley, but no one was around. Which seemed a bit odd! And I heard Rose in here, so naturally I assumed these were her cherries and was helpfully bringing them over and I might have had one or two, but it’s a very big bowl and she’s a very small human so it should have all been fine, but my mouth was a bit full and―“ He turned on his twin. “Where were  _ you _ ?! Clearly close by, littering bowls all over the place! Did you not hear me calling?” 

The metacrisis Doctor coughed, turning bright red. “Never mind where I was. I wasn’t in here snogging Rose,  _ which is the topic at hand _ !” 

A chorus of indignant noises came from the settee. 

“I wasn’t  _ snogging _ ―“ 

“I thought he was  _ you _ !” 

Donna made a strange sound like she was choking and both Rose and the Doctor went very stiff. 

“My mouth was full!” 

“I really didn’t mean to―“

Donna yelped, clapped a hand onto the metacrisis Doctor’s shoulder, and then immediately dissolved into raucous laughter. 

“O-Oi!!” he yelped, nearly falling, and then overbalancing trying not to. 

Donna tried to gasp something out, failed, and folded nearly in half, howling. 

“ _ Donna! _ ” Both Doctors started up in tandem only to cut off, glaring at each other. Donna cackled, hanging off the indignant half-human by one arm worked around his neck.

It took her a solid minute to get herself under control. 

“Ahh,” she sighed, wiping her eyes, still grinning. “Poor Doctors.” 

Jack chuckled. “Have to say, I am loving the new vibe around here. Very sixties.” 

“It’s not a  _ vibe _ !” the metacrisis Doctor objected, bent nearly double as Donna attempted to wipe her eyes with the arm currently wrapped around his shoulders. “And it’s not  _ that funny _ !”

“It’s a little funny,” Donna wheezed, but let him go. She waved a hand at the Time Lord, still sputtering by the settee. “C’mon, Casanova. You were supposed to be getting tea.”

“Right.” The Doctor started to move, realized he still had the bowl in his hands, started to hand it to Rose, visibly reconsidered, and dropped it on the settee, hopping around like he wasn’t quite sure where to put his feet. He took a wide path around Jack and his twin, darting out into the hallway. 

“Sorry!” Rose called after him. She turned to Donna with wide eyes. “I really didn’t mean to!” 

Donna shrugged that off, entirely unconcerned. “Happens to the best of us.” She shook a finger at the metacrisis Doctor. “Would it kill you to wear a jumper or something?”

He looked down at his usual oxford and tie and then back up, indignantly. “Why stop there? I could have a great big ‘2’ tattooed right on my face. Would that help everyone out?” 

Donna looked back at him, completely serious, and flicked his collar down on the left side, revealing a noticeable love bite. “Dunno about a tattoo, but it sure seems like you’re working on your own solution there.” 

He clapped a hand over it. “Don’t  _ you _ have somewhere to  _ be _ ?”

Donna hummed, smirking, but let him go. “You kids have fun,” she called over her shoulder on the way out. 

Halfway down the hall she heard a muffled, “Honestly, Rose, it was  _ five minutes _ ,” followed by Jack’s booming laugh. 


	2. A Little Sympathy

“I don’t see why it’s so hard for everyone to tell us apart!” the Doctor ranted, pretty much non-stop from the game room to the galley to Donna’s room. 

“I know,” Donna crooned patronizingly. 

“I’m the last Time Lord! I shouldn’t have to keep track of a rubbish human copy!” 

“Poor Doctor,” she cooed. 

He spun around accusatorily. “I can  _ hear you _ , you realize!”

Donna put on an exaggeratedly sympathetic face. “Everything is awful,” she said, nodding. 

“Don- _ na! _ ” 

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

He sputtered. “Not follow me around mocking me!” 

She put on a serious face. “You want me to challenge Rose to a duel for your honor?” 

“Why does everyone think this is so funny?!” He whipped around and started struggling with a biscuit tin. 

Donna watched him for a moment, fighting off her mocking instincts. “Listen. It was an honest mistake, right? And you’ve snogged Rose before.” 

“I have  _ not! _ ”

Donna gave him her most unimpressed look. “Is that what you really want to do right now? Lie to me?” 

“I don’t snog my companions!”

She managed to look even less impressed. 

He put up an authoritative finger. “I might  _ on occasion _ perform medically necessary procedures that happen to involve my advanced oral receptors! But that’s hardly the same!” 

Donna cocked a brow but decided to let that go. “Well. What do you want me to do about it? Snog Rose too?” 

“What?! No!” 

“Well, short of travelling back on your own timeline I’m not sure what you want here!” 

“I want a little sympathy!” 

Donna opened her mouth, realized she had only sarcastic responses to that, and closed it again, stepping closer instead. 

The Doctor watched her like a wary alley cat. “What are you doing?” 

She gave him her best sympathetic pout, stepping pointedly into his space. 

He held very still like he expected an attack, but didn’t pull away when she leaned in very slowly and pressed her lips to his. 

It took all of her focus not to laugh at the realization that he tasted like cherries. 

She pulled back, slowly, until she could focus on his features. 

His expression was an odd mix of wary interest and thinly-veiled confusion. “Donna?”

She hummed inquiringly. 

“…What are you doing?” 

“Proposing an alternative mood?” she offered. 

He narrowed his eyes accusatorially. “You’re just trying to distract me!” 

“Mmhmm.” She didn’t even bother hiding it. “Seems like we can stay away a bit longer without anyone missing us.” 

Several emotions flickered across his face too quickly for her to register, but he landed back on ‘suspicious, but not disinterested.’ 

“Is this a trick?” 

“Is it a ‘trick’ if I tell you up front what I’m doing?” she asked. 

The Doctor didn’t seem to know what to make of that, but when she kissed him again he certainly seemed to be up for being won over. 

“If I tried to have sex with you to get you to calm down, I think you would punch me.” 

“I don’t think you’ve ever tried that,” she pointed out, sliding her hands up his sides. “But I’d imagine if you did, the key would be to be very convincing.” 

Donna pressed him back into a coral strut as she said it, bracing her arms against the rough organic overlay.

When she pulled back for air, there were light indentations in her forearms and when she held one hand up to look at them, the Doctor latched onto the exposed skin, tongue flickering. 

It took her a moment to realize he was tracing the patterns left by the coral, but by then she’d already herded him back toward the bed. 

The TARDIS whirred in the background, gaining a warm undertone she hadn’t noticed before. 

“Does the TARDIS mind this?” Donna asked, a bit hazily.

The Doctor shook his head, hair tickling across over sensitized skin. “She and I are linked.” He flicked a glance up, oddly hesitant. “She… enjoys things… vicariously…”

“Vicariously…” Donna mused, head canted back, considering. “Do you think she’d like...?” She scooted back to the headboard, reaching a hand up to stroke lightly against one of the rondels. 

The Doctor watched her with a wild look in his eyes, and the headboard shunted down unexpectedly, knocking her off balance. She caught herself between two lower rondels that seemed to be growing warmer, like sunlamps.

“Take that as a ’yes,’” she grumbled to herself. Any further commentary was immediately smothered by the Doctor plastering himself to her, mouth first.

* * *

“Are you two all right?” Rose asked when the Doctor and Donna finally wandered into the console room.

Both of their hands went immediately toward their collars, which were noticeably buttoned all the way up. 

“Course we are,” the Doctor said. “Why do you ask?”

“The TARDIS was going crazy,” Jack said, popping out from under the grating. “But I don’t see anything wrong with her.”

The Doctor sucked in a breath and then seemed to forget what to do with it. Donna became very interested in her own hand. 

“Where’s the, um, the human Doctor?” Donna asked.

“He ran off right when it started,” Rose said, looking down the hallway worriedly. “Said something about telekinetic relay interference?”

The Doctor turned an entirely new color, eyes taking up much more of his face than usual.

“Looked a lot like that, yeah,” Jack said, gesturing. “Took off like a bat out of hell and we couldn’t find him anywhere.”

“Oh my God,” Donna mumbled.

“What―” The Doctor started, and then stopped to clear his throat. “What did you say she was doing exactly?”

“Flickering lights, weird grinding noises,” Jack counted off on his fingers. “The temperature kept going up and down...”

“Bit like a haunted house,” Rose said. “Random vents kept activating. She rattled most of the drawers open at one point...”

“Oh my God,” Donna said again, muffled by her own hand.

“Is she hurt?” Rose asked.

The Doctor made an odd, high-pitched sound. “No, she’s fine.”

“How are you so sure?” Jack asked, levering himself out of the panels. “You didn’t even run a diagnostic.”

“Don’t need to run a diagnostic on my own ship, do I?” the Doctor blustered. 

“It was really weird though,” Rose insisted. “Shouldn’t you at least check her over?” 

The TARDIS rumbled slightly like an agreeable purr. 

“She seems to like that idea,” Jack said, patting the console and earning a louder purr. 

“Right!” the Doctor said, too loudly, making the humans all jump. “The TARDIS is fine. I’ve absolutely checked.” He herded Jack away from the console. “Now about my rubbish human clone...”

“Oh, so you  _ do  _ remember I exist?”

The Doctor whipped around to find his duplicate standing in the doorway looking like he’d been spat out of a tornado.

“Doctor!” Rose and Jack exclaimed in unison, rushing over. 

“Are you all right?” Rose asked.

“Why’d you run off like that?” Jack added.

The metacrisis Doctor opened his mouth, glancing in the general direction of Donna and his twin while somehow studiously managing to avoid looking directly at either of them. 

“Um,” he said.

“Telekinetic relay interference,” the Time Lord supplied helpfully. “That’s what Jack said you said.”

“...Right,” the Doctor in blue said slowly. “That.”

Donna turned just enough to technically not be facing the other way. “And you’re, um... better now... Right?”

“Yep,” he said, popping the ’p.’

“And the TARDIS is all right?” Rose asked, patting the coral.

The TARDIS purred enthusiastically.

“Yep!” the Doctor in blue yelped, snatching her hand into his and shoving them both into his own pocket. 

The TARDIS grumbled.

“Are you sure?” Jack asked, narrowing his eyes and pressing a palm to the nearest strut. 

The purring roared up again.

“Yep!!” the Doctor in blue popped, nearly a shout. He grabbed Jack’s hand with his other, shoving it into his pocket as well.

The TARDIS creaked.

“So then!” the Doctor in brown continued, loudly, “Another trip?”

“Trip! Yes! Good!” The Doctor in blue started toward the console, dragging Rose and Jack along in a wide path around the other two.

“Excellent idea!” Donna added, immediately skittering around the other way to the far side of the central column.

“Are you sure we should leave her on her own?” Rose asked. “What if it happens again?”

The TARDIS chattered enthusiastically, warming underfoot.

Both Doctors and Donna turned complimentary shades of red. 

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Donna said and pulled a screen over. She took one look at the display, squeaked and slapped a hand over it. “Random setting?” she proposed, already reaching for the dial.

The Doctor glanced at the screen, rapidly gained and lost several shades of color, pulled the display cable loose and yanked the dematerialization switch.


	3. Festival Season

The TARDIS sent them to the middle of the festival season on Picante Mayor, a multi-decade celebration of senses. There were a few other senses thrown in that the Doctor tried to explain, but it only made the humans slightly dizzy so he gave up, leading them around with a glassy-eyed look.

Donna just barely managed to catch him before he walked straight into a wall. She eyed him suspiciously. “Why do you look high as a kite right now?” 

“Hm?” he asked, not listening. 

“One of the many sensory augmentations is for telepathy,” the metacrisis Doctor said. “And the atmosphere is more conductive to boost lower levels.” 

“Well, why aren’t _you_ ― Never mind!” Donna gave him an apologetic look. “Guess I knew that if I thought about it…” 

“All sorts of other things to get up to,” Rose said, squeezing his hand. 

Donna turned to Jack to explain and found him scrunching his features, clearly concentrating. A moment later he blinked his eyes twice as wide. “Woah! You weren’t kidding!” 

The Doctor turned toward him absently, and then with a great deal of focus. “Captain?”

“Hang on. Little rusty,” Jack mumbled, scrunching his brows.

The Doctor’s seemed to forget he was supposed to be walking mid-step, grip spasming. “Oh…” He cocked his head like he was listening to a favorite song he had never thought he’d hear again. 

“Er,” Donna said, “Are you all right?”

“Oh, yes,” the Doctor breathed. 

“How are you doing that?” the metacrisis Doctor asked curiously. 

Jack blinked at him. “Standard Time Agency training. Why? Aren’t you…?” He trailed off, frowning. “Why can’t I…?”

“Too human,” the metacrisis Doctor mumbled. 

But Jack shook his head. “What do you think _I_ am? No, don’t answer that! Here, maybe the contact helps. Touch telepath, right?” He held his free hand out, looking a bit odd with his eyes still closed. 

There was a pause and then Donna nudged him. “If you don’t do it, _I_ will,” she advised, only half joking.

The Time Lord still had his eyes closed, smiling a quiet little smile that she was having a little trouble looking away from. 

“I’d give it a go,” Rose said encouragingly, but also with a little interest. 

The metacrisis Doctor let go of her hand, coming around to Jack’s other side. “Don’t think it’ll work. This human body is a bit rubbish.”

“You’re welcome. Again,” Donna grumbled sarcastically, linking her arm through Rose’s.

The metacrisis Doctor gave her a vaguely apologetic look while reaching for Jack, and because of that, she was looking him right in the eye when he made contact. He looked briefly, painfully hopeful and then, after a beat, depressed beyond measure. 

He blinked that look away almost as soon as she saw it, mumbling, “Told you.” 

Jack hummed, pulling him closer and bending to whisper in his ear. 

The Time Lord sucked in a breath, eyes popping open. “Jack!” 

“Oh,” Jack said, “…Sorry…” He flexed his hand, trying to let go. 

“No, don’t―“ The Doctor’s other hand snapped over, clasping Jack’s between his palms. “It’s fine. Wasn’t expecting it is all.”

“Expecting what?” Donna grumbled under her breath to Rose. 

“There’s a trick to broadcasting,” Jack explained vaguely, “But I can’t quite remember…” He trailed off, leaning back in to murmur to the very focused Doctor in blue. 

The Time Lord made a strange little sound in the back of his throat. 

Donna reached out, hand hovering by his face, but not quite connecting. “Are you all right?” 

He nodded, startled when her fingers brushed his fringe, and then leaned into the contact, nearly nuzzling. “Oh, yes…”

The metacrisis Doctor sucked in a sudden breath.

“Oh, hello,” Jack said coyly. 

“That’s...” The metacrisis Doctor trailed off, lip curling. “That’s different…” 

“But all right?” Jack asked, blinking his eyes open. 

The metacrisis Doctor laughed breathily. “Oh, yes!” He curled his hands over Jack’s like he was hoarding warmth. “Didn’t realize humans could do this bit…”

“Well, not all humans,” Jack demurred, “But with some training…” He gave the half-human Doctor a slow look up and down. “I could show you…?”

Everyone, including the metacrisis Doctor, looked surprised when he immediately said, “Yes. Please.” 

The Time Lord jumped and shuddered. “ _Jack!_ ”

“Listen, I _tried_ to let go of your hand―“

“Can you just focus for _one_ minute?” 

Jack chuckled. “I’d say I’m pretty focused.” He tugged on the metacrisis Doctor’s hand. “Don’t you think?” 

“Very focused,” the Doctor in blue answered, rolling out the ‘r.’ 

A couple of cloud-like llamas took a wide path around them with what seemed to be more side-eye than was necessitated by their biology. 

Donna huffed out a sigh. “Ok, let's get you off the main path if you’re going to do… whatever it is that you’re doing…” She herded the Doctor with little motions and Rose did the same with his twin until the trio was huddled up next to a wall, more-or-less out of the way. Not that they seemed to notice, still holding hands with their eyes closed. 

Jack’s sly smile had frozen into something that seemed too private to look at directly. 

Donna turned to Rose and found her watching with an unreadable expression. She blinked it away in the next moment. 

“Think we should leave them to it?” Rose asked, voice low. 

Donna skewed a look sideways, trying not to focus too intently on expressions. She forced her gaze back to the blonde. “Doesn’t seem like they’ll be wrapping up anytime soon, does it?” 

Rose cast a glance over, seeming to also need to make the effort to force it back. “Seems like a safe enough spot.”

Donna nodded, prodding at the extra knowledge in her borrowed memories. “Festival season’s famously safe. Observers treat it like a high holy day that happens to last for decades.” She glanced over and back again. “Want to check out the markets? Maybe get some street food?”

Rose nodded amicably and Donna stepped over to the Doctor’s side, calling, “Hey, Spaceman.”

He hummed, turning his head slightly, and slitted his eyes open.

“Your pupils are _huge_.”

He smiled, slightly goofily. “Hi, Donna.”

“Hi. Right. So. Rose and I are going to hit the markets. I’m taking one of your credit sticks,” she explained, reaching into his pocket and finding it on the third swipe. “You three stay here. We’ll be back in… What do you think, an hour? Two?” 

The Doctor blinked at her like he was more asleep than awake. “Take your time.”

Donna snorted. “We’ll be back when we’re back then.” 

His eyes slide closed again with an agreeable hum.

“Barmy alien,” she muttered, a bit more fondly than she meant to. She patted his pocket closed, hesitated, and then ducked in for a quick kiss. 

He made a surprised, pleased little sound and a moment later Jack echoed it, followed by the metacrisis Doctor in an odd ripple effect. 

“Do that again,” Jack begged shamelessly. 

“Men,” Donna scoffed, but gave the Doctor another peck before stepping back. She nearly tripped over Rose, who was much closer than she’d realized. 

“Ready?” Donna offered an elbow. 

“Ready,” Rose agreed and allowed herself to be led away. 


	4. A Little Light Shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: References to canonical suicide in the parallel world

“What was all that about?” Rose asked out of nowhere, several booths into window shopping. 

“Hm?” Donna asked, prodding something that was either a spice or a sort of footwear. 

“The whole…” Rose made a vague fluttery gesture around her head. “Thing. With Jack and the Doctors.” 

Donna shrugged. “Something to do with telepathy, right?”

“Right…”

“Think they miss it. Must be stronger here…” Donna flicked a curious glance over. “You don’t mind, do you? I got the feeling you three were already… a bit close…?” 

Rose blushed a pretty pink hue. “We did all travel together.” 

“No judgment,” Donna said quickly, holding her hands up. “Just had a feeling you might not mind.” 

Rose made a non-committal noise, very focused on a foamy set of earrings. “…And you? You don’t… mind?”

“If Jack wins that uptight alien over to public displays of affection I’m not going to be the one to fuss. Might want a camera…”

Rose laughed, startled, and looked around like a camera might be hidden in the baubles if she just got the right angle. 

Donna tried something that smelled delightful and tasted like a wrong note. 

Rose lasted several minutes before starting back in with a casual, “…Donna?”

“Hm?” Donna hummed. 

“Do you think we’d be friends? If we just met up in our regular lives?”

Donna looked over, one brow quirking. “Hard to say. How many middle-aged temps from Chiswick do you hang about with normally?”

Rose snorted. “Probably about as many as shopgirls you have out for pints.”

“It’s a bit weird,” Donna admitted. “I feel like I’ve cheated. Gone right through the getting-to-know-you phase and skipped straight to the sleepovers-and-secrets bit.” 

“Dunno know what you mean,” Rose said, laughing. “How long do you usually take between introducing yourself and traveling the universe together?” 

Donna carefully folded something vaguely papery. “Are we not counting the parallel world?” 

Rose looked like she’d genuinely forgotten she’d watched a version of Donna die until that exact moment. “Oh… Right…” She grimaced. “Sorry, it was a little hard to keep track, jumping between worlds.”

Donna tried and failed not to feel slightly offended that her death hadn’t had more of a memorable effect. 

“I met you a couple of times, actually.”

Donna abandoned the paper thing, turning. “What? Really?”

Rose seemed confused. “Yeah, how did you think I knew all that stuff? I was jumping around for years. Some people seemed to repeat a few times. You were one.”

“Huh.” Donna straightened up a little, intrigued. “What was I like?” 

Rose blinked and then laughed outright. “Do you really need to ask that?” 

She crossed her arms, and followed a fascinating scent to a nearby light display. “Well, you said parallel worlds, right? So different circumstances each time…”

Rose shrugged, holding up something that was either very risque lingerie or very oddly shaped string art. “Still the same you. Do you have any idea how many times you accused me of trying to chat you up?” 

“Can’t imagine why,” Donna drawled, forcing her eyes to stay fixed on her face. 

Rose grinned, wide and wolfish. “There was one time when I ran into you at a pub. You were a few sheets to the wind, mate.”

Donna, who knew nothing if not herself, moved over to some textured candle-looking things. “Right. Well. Don’t expect me to apologize for some parallel version of me. I’ve got my own problems to deal with on this plane of reality without worrying what Parallel Donnas might be getting up to.”

“Oh, you’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Rose drawled, grinning wider. 

Donna coughed, accidentally displacing several musical notes. “You know I _died_ in the parallel world I remember. Shouldn’t that get me a pass or something?” 

Rose’s grin slid off her face. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. I don’t think I ever said…”

Donna cocked her head. “No, you apologized at the time.” 

Rose winced guiltily. “I… I was pretty focused by that point…”

“Not like I actually wanted to live in that world.” Donna shuddered a little, just thinking about it. “Needed the shock to get me out of it.” 

“Still…” Rose stared at her with wide guilty eyes. “I _am_ sorry…” 

“Eh.” Donna waved her off. “What’s a little assisted suicide between friends.” She held up a finger. “Don’t kill me in _this_ world though! I’m enjoying it!” 

Rose laughed like she couldn’t help it. “You really are something.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Donna waved that off as well, following another scent to what turned out to be a painting. 

Something visibly occurred to Rose. “Hang on. That reminds me. I’d met you before, but you’d only met me once, as some weird ghost that got you killed. Do you even know anything about me?”

Donna laughed in her face. “Are you kidding? The way the Doctor went on about you? I think I could write your biography.”

“What? Really?”

Donna cocked her head. “Has that half-human version somehow convinced you he’s been playing it cool? Because let me tell you…” She trailed off, catching a look she didn’t quite understand. “…What?” 

“Did he really tell you about me?” Rose asked, looking younger than usual. 

“Yeah, the trick was getting him to shut up about it. Can’t you― I mean, you must be able to tell from the way the human Doctor follows you around, right? No offense, but he didn’t get that from me.” 

Rose looked away. “Didn’t seem to affect the Time Lord version.” 

“Oh,” Donna sighed, “You’d be surprised.” 

“I really would be,” Rose said, prodding at something that released a mist, obscuring her features. “I used to think that he just didn’t… do things… the way that we do… But then you came along, and… It turns out he just didn’t want to do those things with me…” 

Donna stiffened, startled. “But you― I thought you liked the human version. 2.0, right?”

Rose smiled, slow and slightly wry. “The human hormones certainly help.”

There was something about the way she said it that got under Donna’s skin. “Oh, c’mon. You don’t think it’s just hormones, do you? That skinny idiot worships you.” 

Rose’s mouth quirked. “Not to brag, but human men are a little more in my wheelhouse.” 

Donna frowned. “Listen, you’ve very pretty, but plenty of people are pretty. You shouldn’t sell yourself short thinking that’s all there is to it.” 

Rose slitted her eyes and puffed the strange scented mist in Donna’s direction. “Who’s selling it short?” 

Donna refused to blush. “That still won’t work on me.” 

Rose gave her an unreadable look up and down. “Yeah, I know.” 

She stepped purposefully through the fog and it dispersed as suddenly as her odd look. Her grin was back in place as she re-linked their arms.

“Should we see about rustling up some food? Something tells me no one will think to eat unless we remind them.” 

“Don’t say it like that. I’m not bringing sandwiches back for the menfolk,” Donna grumbled, but allowed herself to be steered toward the edible section. 

“Course not. Don’t want them getting ideas. Let’s find the spiciest things they’ll sell to us and see how many we can trick the guys into eating.” 

Donna laughed and followed along much more willingly. 


	5. Snack Time

The Doctors and Jack were standing right where they’d left them over four hours prior. They hadn’t even changed positions except that they’d moved their hands to each others’ temples. Standing around in a little circle, they didn’t seem to notice Rose or Donna or anyone else. 

“Should we get you a room?” Donna asked. 

The Doctor in blue startled, looking around. “Weren’t you going to the market?” 

Rose held up the bags in her left hand. “Four hours ago, yeah.” 

Jack blinked his eyes open at that. “Really? _Four?_ ”

“Closer to five, if we’re honest,” Donna said. “Take it you weren’t waiting impatiently?”

Jack smiled a smile positively dripping 51st Century pheromones. “We’ve been keeping busy. Want me to show you how?”

“No!” the Doctor said, eyes popping open into an immediate glare. 

“What? Why _not_?” Donna asked. 

“Probably dangerous,” he said, reluctantly pulling his hands back to his own sides. 

“Think I don’t know how to be gentle? The other Doctor seems fine!” Jack let go of the metacrisis Doctor as well and they both flexed their fingers like they’d gone slightly numb. 

“Hardly a reliable test case,” the Time Lord scoffed. 

“Can I try too?” Rose chimed in.

Jack made a ‘don’t see why not’ face, stepping toward her, and both Doctors immediately held him back. 

“ _Jack!_ ”

“What?” 

“You can’t just―” the metacrisis Doctor started and the Time Lord interrupted with “It’s dangerous!” 

“You realize _most_ Time Agents _are human_ , right?”

“ _51st Century_ humans,” the Doctor corrected. 

“What does _that_ matter?” Donna asked, deciding whether to be offended or not. 

He made a pinwheeling hand gesture. “They’re used to all sorts of neural interfaces by then. But you’ve barely got Wi-Fi!” 

“Oi!” 

Rose turned to the part-human Doctor. “But you seem fine…?”

“Well, my mind knows how to navigate a telepathic connection. It’s just this rubbish body that has trouble with the translation.” 

Donna whirled on him. “ _Oi!!_ ”

“Well, it’s true!” 

“Listen, listen,” Jack cut in, “Maybe let’s call off the debate until we’ve all had something to eat.” 

Right on cue, the metacrisis Doctor’s stomach growled like he’d swallowed a bear. He cleared his throat. “Quite right. Do any of those bags contain food?” He poked a hopeful finger inside the nearest one in Rose’s grip. 

“As a matter of fact…” She smiled sweetly and handed one over. 

Donna handed one of hers to the Time Lord and a second to Jack. 

They all three immediately set to unwrapping. 

Donna caught Jack’s eye just before he bit down, giving him a subtle but definitive head shake. He paused, raising a brow, just as the Doctors tore into their own packets and immediately lost all sense of composure. 

“Spicy!” 

“ _Spicy!!_ ” 

“Is it?” Donna asked, making a show of studying her nails. “How odd… Oh, you know, they might have mentioned something. Silly me, barely listening with these rubbish human ears.” 

“ _Donna!_ ” the Doctor howled, scrubbing at his mouth. 

The metacrisis Doctor turned watery eyes on Rose. “Why?” 

She immediately caved, handing him the recommended drink which he gulped down. 

The Time Lord was still busy trying to rub off the top layer of his tongue with his sleeve. Donna watched him go at it for another 28 seconds and then shoved a second drink into his hands. “Oh for― If you’d look up for one second!” 

He immediately gulped it down and then bent over, panting. “Do you have any idea how much worse that is for my superior taste buds?!” 

“Don’t seem so superior from where I’m standing,” Donna said, and licked some of the drink he’d spilled off her thumb. 

The metacrisis Doctor swiped at his eyes which were still tearing up, making him look all too pathetic. He turned to Jack. “Why aren’t you―?”

Jack looked like he might take a bite just out of survivor’s guilt. 

“Try adding this first,” Donna suggested and tossed him a sauce packet.

He caught it with one hand. “What’s this?” 

“Recommended adjustment for humans and humanoids,” Donna said vaguely. She turned to the wheezing Doctor with an expression of feigned innocence. “You know, I don’t think I remembered to give you yours.”

The Doctor took it, grumbling, and shook it over the packet, sniffing suspiciously. 

Jack made a throaty sound that piqued everyone’s interest. When he realized he had everyone’s attention he held the bundle up gesturing like he might break out into song as soon as he swallowed. 

“Good?” Rose asked.

He nodded, raising the pack emphatically. 

Donna caught the Doctor’s hand and pulled it over to take a bite herself. His indignant look shifted to something much more interested when she immediately moaned, pushing it back toward him encouragingly. He took a tentative bite and then a much larger one. 

They stood around chewing and making appreciative noises until they started drawing attention to themselves. Jack more than most. 

“All right, that’s enough of that.” The metacrisis Doctor clapped his hands. “Haven’t even made it into the festival properly, have we?” 

“Who’s fault is that?” Rose asked, wiping her hands. “Matter of fact, Jack, weren’t you offering―“

“No!” Both Doctors cut her off. 

Rose huffed and then turned big brown eyes on the ex-Time Agent. “Jack?”

Jack opened his mouth only to get cut off with another plural, “ _No!!_ ”

He waited until the metacrisis Doctor turned to toss wrappers, and winked at Rose, mouthing ‘Later.’

“Jack!” the Time Lord barked. 

Jack startled, looking sheepish. “Forgot there are two of you to keep track of now…”

“No telepathy with the 21st Century humans!” the Doctor reiterated firmly. 

“Why _not_?!” Donna huffed. 

The Doctor steered her around with one arm. “Have you found the perfume yet? They have the best perfume for seventeen millennia.”

“Oi!” 

“You must not have found it. You’d already be wearing it if you had. Come on, I know a shop in the scent sector.” He kept his grip on her hand, pulling her back toward the main market. “Off we pop!” 

“ _Oi!!_ ”

“Hey, don’t forget about us!” Rose pulled Jack and the metacrisis Doctor after them. 


	6. A Minor Misunderstanding

It was all fun and games until a skirmish broke out at one of the festival booths, resulting in a child-like alien getting grabbed a bit too harshly. 

Rose and Jack were closest and went on the defensive, pushing the larger alien back and causing a bit of a scene. 

Almost immediately, five new aliens appeared, and the crowd scurried to disperse, leaving the humans standing out even more conspicuously. 

The native species were tall and lanky with slightly too many of everything. They each had five eyes, not quite in sync with each other, and managed to look even angrier because of it. 

“Weapons are strictly forbidden!” 

“No weapons here! My friends were just helping the little one.” The Doctor held his hands up, turning his wrists emphatically.

Donna and the metacrisis Doctor adopted similar poses. 

“Weapons are not allowed during the festival!” 

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re not armed, isn’t it?” Donna huffed.

All three mixes of Time Lord realized simultaneously that Rose and Jack were being suspiciously quiet and turned as an uncoordinated unit. 

Jack winced and Rose became very interested in her own sleeve.

“Aw, tell me you didn’t,” the metacrisis Doctor begged. 

“Just habit,” Jack mumbled. He hesitated and then reached inside his long coat, pulling a sidearm out, disarming it, and passing it to the furious guard. 

“Rose??” 

Rose hesitated a bit longer, grimaced, and then bent her right knee and pulled a knife out of her boot, handing it over as well. 

“Forgot I had it on me…” she mumbled. 

The metacrisis Doctor looked personally betrayed and the Time Lord didn’t look much better. 

After a long pause, Donna realized neither one of them was going to get over it anytime soon.

“Listen,” she addressed the aliens in her best no-nonsense voice, “Clearly this was just an oversight. We didn’t mean to break any rules. And we’re not armed now so it’s all fine, yes?” 

The guards blinked five eyes in a distracting lack of coordination. “There can be no weapons at the festival! It is forbidden!” 

Donna bit back her first three admittedly unhelpful responses and settled on, “Right, well, there wasn’t exactly a sign, was there? How could we have known?” 

That was apparently the wrong thing to say. The guards pointed unerringly to the Time Lord. “This one knows.” 

Donna scowled. “How do you figure _that_?!”

“Donna,” the Doctor hissed, “Telepathic augmentation. Ringing any bells?” 

She rounded on him. “What, your pervy public love-in was fine, but now you’re in trouble for not being a five-star tour guide?” She turned back to the guards. “OK, so he’s useless. But is _that_ a crime?” 

“Donna!” 

The nearest guard blinked five eyes into an expression that, based on what happened next meant, ‘This conversation is over and you will now be detained.’

* * *

It was actually all quite civilized. They didn’t even use handcuffs, preferring a telepathic suppression mechanism, which worked immediately on the Doctors and Jack. And which was easy enough for Donna and Rose to fake. They walked single-file into a large, modern looking room with various shapes that seemed to be the equivalent of furniture. 

Jack and the Doctors walked over to three of the largest rectangles and sat, obedient as schoolboys. Donna and Rose perched similarly on the two remaining shapes and the guards departed without a word. 

Rose and Donna relaxed slightly, but the men remained ramrod straight, staring fixedly forward. 

Brown and blue eyes roamed over every inch of the cell before returning to each other. 

Donna shifted very slowly until she could reach her pocket and the familiar sonic sounded. A few chirps and she gave Rose a look out of the corner of her eye. “No obvious audio or visual feeds.” 

Rose shrugged one shoulder. “Guess we’ll know soon enough if we’re wrong?” 

They stood up, stretching. 

The other three didn’t so much as blink, still staring into the middle distance. 

“Looks like it’s a good thing we weren’t invited to mental footsie earlier,” Donna grumbled, moving around to peer into the Doctor’s blank face. 

“Don’t say that. They can probably hear us.” Rose shook a finger in the metacrisis Doctor’s unmoving face. “You weren’t right! You were just randomly lucky _this one time_!”

There was no visible reaction.

Rose moved over to Jack, peering into his similarly blank features. “Do you think they’re all right?” She carefully swept his hair away from his unfocused eyes. 

Donna was scanning the Doctor and tutting at the readings. “They seem fine…” She ran another scan with one hand, pressing two fingers of the other into his pulsepoint. “Bit stressed, but honestly, when isn’t that true…” She patted his head and stood up. “So then. Plans? I’m open to suggestions.” 

Rose started a matter-of-fact series of stretches. “If those guards think we’re all offline I could probably take at least three of them. Maybe five, with the element of surprise.” 

Donna looked her up and down. “Let’s call that a solid Plan B. They haven’t actually tried to hurt us yet.” She glanced at the Time Lord she was still absently petting. “Well. Aside from what I assume is going to be a bit of a headache…”

Rose bent neatly in two, arms hooking behind her calves.

Donna realized she was staring a bit and looked away. “The― this― the _Time Lord_ Doctor seems to have it the worst. So maybe we could get the other two to shut off whatever it is that they accidentally opened up?”

Rose straightened, catching one foot behind herself and bending the leg up and back. “Any ideas on how to do that?”

Donna tilted her head one way and then the other, like she was trying to coax marbles into lining up. “I could try for a sonic disruption in the most likely wavelengths?” 

Rose shrugged agreeably and Donna started clicking through settings. 


	7. A Slightly Less Minor Issue

After several minutes of cycling sonic settings, Donna was much less hopeful. “I think I’m going to have to run it through me,” she admitted. 

“Is that risky?” Rose asked, wrapping up her stretching. 

“Might be a bit like lighting hairspray on fire. If I’m too close, there could be a backdraft,” Donna said, looking away. 

Rose straightened up. “Does that mean you’d get blocked up the same as these three?” 

“Possibly,” Donna admitted. She bent down, peering into the Doctor’s unseeing eyes. “But I think I could be quick enough.” She glanced up to find Rose standing with her hands on her hips. “What?”

“How’s that better than me just knocking a few guards out? I can handle them!” 

“Sure you can,” Donna agreed. “But you don’t need me for that. If I get myself zombified, you can still try Plan B.” 

“And then what? Stack you all on my shoulders and run you out in shifts?”

Donna gave her shoulders a considering look and then refocused. “Well. That’s why it’s still Plan _B_!” 

“I’m pretty sure Plan A is supposed to be _better_ than Plan B!” 

Donna pinched her brow between two fingers. “Listen, I don’t have a better idea,” she admitted. “We can’t try them in the other order. If you fight our way out of here and these three are all still comatose then we’ve only solved half our problem! And I’m not dragging these idiots back just to watch them drool all over themselves in a more comfortable setting! What if it turns out we need those five-eyed weirdos to shut it off themselves? They’re not going to be more willing if you’ve recently kicked their chests in!” Donna realized she’d gotten quite loud and cut off, crossing her arms. 

Rose startled at the unexpected outburst. “Donna…” 

“I think I could do it! If you’d trust me…” 

Rose blinked. “Of course I trust you.” 

Donna flinched and then registered the words. “What? _Really?_ ”

Rose shrugged, resisting the urge to qualify. “Which one do you want to start with?”

Donna held very still for a moment, like she expected that to be a trap, but she took a halting step. And then another. “Not the Time Lord. I don’t know if he even _can_ shut off telepathy. But Jack and the other one clearly can.” 

Rose hesitated and then forced herself to admit. “Jack’s probably the better choice. If it goes wrong he could always just… um…” She gestured vaguely and moved aside to give easier access. 

Donna grimaced, but stepped up to the immortal. She bent down, looking for any change in expression that would indicate he was listening.

“Jack?” 

No response. 

She sighed. “Jack, I think I could shut off your telepathic connection. Get you back to normal, yeah?” 

Nothing. Not even a blink.

“It’s a bit risky. I’ve never done it before, and I might… Um… Well, I really don’t know what might happen…” She took a deep breath. “I can’t really ask for your permission though so… uh… I really am sorry about this…” 

Donna searched his face one last time for any changes. There was no reaction. She might as well be talking to a 3D photo. 

She cast a glance up at Rose through her fringe and found her looking right back, stroking a hand through Jack’s hair. “He’d tell us to do it,” she said, more confident than she wanted to be. 

Donna hesitated, expecting more of a fight.

Rose sighed. “Just do it.” 

Donna put on a brave face. “It’ll be fine.” She put on a smile and started to kneel. “Just be a minute.” 

Rose caught her shoulder with one hand and the back of her neck with the other, ducking in to press a kiss to what was probably supposed to be her cheek, but ended up being the side of her mouth. 

Donna blinked, frozen mid-crouch.

“For luck, y’know,” Rose mumbled, stepping back to stare at the opposite wall. 

“Right…” Donna hesitated just a beat longer and then carried on, kneeling at eye-level with the immortal. “Loving the confidence,” she grumbled, but held one hand up to Jack’s temple, aligning the sonic with her other. 

In the next blink, Jack was gasping and snatching her into a hug.

“Donna Noble, you are brilliant!” he laughed.

“Jack!” Rose exclaimed, and then there were even more limbs in the mix. “It worked!” 

He pulled back just far enough to laugh and pull Rose in like he was going to snog the life out of her. 

“Oi!” Donna flailed and would have fallen over, if it weren’t for Jack rolling them back the other way into a tangle. 

“Oh, this is so much better!” he laughed and squeezed them both in an impossibly tight grip. “Have you ever had everything but your brain frozen in liquid nitrogen? I do _not_ recommend it!” 

“I’m so glad you’re all right!” Rose didn’t seem to know which one of them to try to hug and settled on splitting the difference and crushing them all together as best she could. Jack seemed to arrive at a similar conclusion, and had more success with his longer arms. 

Donna wasn’t as mad about it as she meant to be, laughing right along with them. “I can’t believe that worked!” 

“Course it did!” Rose pulled her closer. “You’re brilliant!” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah― Let me up, I need to get the, um, the human Doctor.” She managed to detangle herself, struggling back to her feet. “We really should work out a naming system…”

Rose and Jack rolled upright, still holding on to each other. 

Donna knelt down in front of the metacrisis Doctor. She paused, turning toward Jack. “Could you hear me while you were all…?” She bobbled her head vaguely. 

“Every word. Could see whatever was in front of me and feel everything. Just couldn’t react in any way. Like being... Well… Never mind what it felt like…” He hugged Rose a bit closer.

Donna turned back to the Doctor in blue. “Doctor, I’m going to shut off your telepathic connectors,” she explained. “Should only take a moment.” She realized she was waiting on a response that wasn’t going to come and raised her hands, sonic at the ready. 

Two seconds later, the metacrisis Doctor fairly launched into her, knocking her over like an enthusiastic great dane. “You are brilliant!” he crowed.

“Oi! Bony!” Donna laughed, hugging him back. 

He rolled them over and upright, hugging her between his knees, and trying to wrap all four limbs around her like a howler monkey. “I did _not_ like that!” 

“Honestly,” Donna huffed, but hugged him back, “How long has it even been? An hour? Tops?” 

He was already wrenching himself up to his feet, dragging her along in the same movement. 

Immediately after that, Donna found herself in a confusing four-way hug. And even if she was a bit interested in watching Jack snog the metacrisis Doctor, she remembered there was still one to go. 

“Oi!” She had to pry herself loose, like getting free of a bramble. “Gonna need my own arms to get the Doctor.” 

“No!” The metacrisis Doctor somehow wrenched himself free and clamped onto Donna like manacles. 

“What on―?” 

“You can’t!” he said, hands gripping hard enough to bruise. 

Donna gawked at him, baffled. “What, do you want to do it?” 

“No!” he said, nearly shouting. 

“Shh!” Rose shushed him, eying the door. “They’re still―“

“You can’t shut off his telepathy,” the Doctor in blue blurted over her. “It’s― You can’t do that to a Time Lord.” 

Donna stopped instinctively trying to pry him off. “But you said…” She glanced at Jack. “You made it sound so _awful_ …” 

The Doctor in blue shook his head resolutely. “It’d be worse to shut it off. It’s― It’d be like going deaf and blind. And mute. And then thrown out into a vacuum. All at once.”

Donna froze, like she might accidentally set it off with any sudden movement. “What?”

“Just trust me on this. We can carry him back. The TARDIS can help.” 

“Are you sure?” Jack asked, wincing. “I spent centuries buried under Cardiff and that was still―“

“I’m sure,” the metacrisis Doctor said, firmly. He then frowned, releasing his death grip on Donna’s arms. “What do you mean ‘buried?’” 

“Some other time.” Jack waved a hand vaguely. “Right now, I assume we need a plan that doesn’t involve waking up the Time Lord?” 

“Well,” Donna said, “If you’ve been listening you know that our next idea to beat is letting Rose punch our way out of here.” 

Jack immediately started stretching. “I could help with that.” 

“Hey,” Rose objected, “It’s _my_ plan!” 

“I said ‘help,’ not ‘take over,’” Jack said, pulling his arm across his chest. 

“Does Torchwood have some required training on ‘how to stretch?’” Donna asked, watching him work through the exact series Rose had run through earlier. 

“More to the point,” the Doctor in blue started in with a judgmental tone to match his look, “Did it replace any form of ‘finding peaceful solutions?’”

“Not gonna kill ‘em. Just gonna knock ‘em around a bit,” Rose said. 

“It’s your violent tendencies that got us locked up in the first place!” the Doctor sputtered.

Jack winced. “Don’t say it like _that_ …” 

“Does anyone have a better idea?” Donna asked, with the tone of someone asking a rhetorical question. 

The metacrisis Doctor skewed an annoyed look her way and then softened at her earnest expression. 

“Well. Thanks to your brilliant work…” He caught her hand in his, squeezing. “We’re all immune to their first line of defense. And based on their tactics earlier, they really might only have the one.” He glanced at his twin, still frozen in place and shuddered faintly. “Admittedly it’s very effective. So,” he continued brightly, “It might be as easy as…” He walked over to the door, examining the panel. After a few moments he pulled out his own sonic and the door swung open with a quiet swish. 

There was a long, pregnant pause.

Donna turned to the others, holding a hand up. “Everyone in favor of pretending that didn’t happen?” 

Rose and Jack’s hands shot up immediately. 

“Yep!”

“Yep!” 

“No thanks necessary,” the metacrisis Doctor grumbled. 

“Just get the other one and let’s go,” Donna said. 


	8. A Relatively Painless Fix

It was insultingly easy to find their way back to the TARDIS. The festival season was clearly observed by the guards as well. No one seemed to think it was strange that Jack was carrying an uncomfortably prone man in his arms. They didn’t even question it when he stopped at a booth to get a snack and the other Doctor had to reach into his pocket to pay for it and then put the treat in his mouth for him. 

“Could we skip back sometime and try this again? I could bloody live here,” Donna moaned as a perfume shop called her name. Audibly. Thanks to some creative mixing of audial and olfactory options. 

“The Time Lord in me knows the answer is no, but the human part of me remembers that there’s a song district we didn’t even get to yet…” The metacrisis Doctor snapped his fingers and the TARDIS welcomed them back. 

Donna and the conscious Doctor set them off into the vortex and turned to each other. 

“Now then― What first, do we think?” the metacrisis Doctor asked Donna. “We should probably make sure there aren’t any lingering effects. Could you…?” He gestured toward his own head.

She blinked at him. “What, do you want a kiss?” 

He shrugged, stepping toward her. “Whatever technique you want to use― just make sure you turn the telepathy back on.”

“What?” She jumped back. “What?! That’s not what― You want me to _undo_ the thing I _just_ did to save you?” 

He put his hands up, palms out. “Well. Yeah. Why not?” 

“Because what if whatever it was that had you all mummified is still active and I just shut off the part of you that can hear it?” 

“Then you can just shut if off again?” He visibly had no idea why they were still discussing it. 

“What if I can’t?!” she asked, voice going up. “What if it was just a fluke?” She pointed toward the Time Lord, still held uncomfortably to Jack’s chest. “Just wake the Doctor up first and then―“ She cut off, catching the wounded look on the metacrisis Doctor’s face that vanished almost as soon as it came. “Not that― I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine,” he said, clipped. “I know what you meant. Come on, Captain, let’s get to the medbay. Mustn’t keep the proper Doctor waiting.” 

Jack paused, mid-step. “That’s not what she―“ 

But the metacrisis Doctor was already gone, disappeared down the corridor. 

Jack looked back at Donna with an apologetic wince, but followed him. 

Donna opened her mouth and closed it again.

Rose held out a hand. “C’mon. There’s no way they won’t need your help.” 

Donna followed her down the hall. 

* * *

Jack set the Time Lord on the medbay exam table in the same uncomfortably still pose he’d been holding since the cell.

The metacrisis Doctor whirled around in a flurry of movements too fast to follow, plugging in wires and pulling out a random selection of instruments. 

“Right then!” he announced, seemingly to the room at large. “Start with a quick scan and then we can get into proper diagnostics.” He pulled out something that looked a bit like a helmet stitched out of a large, metallic spider web. “Donna, could you?” 

Donna startled, but immediately came the rest of the way in, picking up the helmet and bringing it over to the Time Lord. She gave it a cursory look over, brushed his hair back with one hand, and slid it on. She spent a few moments tucking locks out of the way of the sensors, having to poke through the outside like trying to arrange grass through a chainlink fence. 

After a bit more tutting, she turned and nearly jumped out of her skin. “Oi! How long have you been there?” 

The metacrisis Doctor didn’t seem to think that merited an actual response. He nudged her out of the way, flicking a light into the other Doctor’s eyes. 

The nearby screen spiked one of the monitoring lines in time with his movements. 

He snapped his fingers twice by the other’s left ear and a different set of lines skipped up in sync. 

He hesitated, skewing an unreadable glance at Donna out of the corner of his eye, and then stroked the backs of two knuckles up the skin just behind the other’s ear. 

A third line jumped and then jumped again on the monitor. 

“Seems to be the same as for Jack and me,” he said. He bent down slightly, angling himself into the other’s line of vision. “Which means you can hear me, you just can’t respond.” He flicked a glance at the monitors, which seemed to register the sound, but there was still no reaction. “If I take down the TARDIS firewall, she should be able to isolate the signal.” The monitors showed no reaction, but Donna gasped. 

“You want to use the Midnight Protocol? I thought that was only for―“

“Emergencies?” the metacrisis Doctor filled in smoothly. “What would you call this? A minor inconvenience?” 

Donna huffed. “Listen up, you―“ 

The metacrisis Doctor stood, holding one hand up and pushing her back with him as he stepped away. “Midnight Protocol,” he called out, clearly. 

The TARDIS lights flipped to emergency reds, and there was a strange sound like a train approaching in the distance. 

“Doctor!” Donna shrieked, but it was an accusation, leveled at the one in blue. 

His mouth quirked grimly, eyes glued to the Time Lord.

The monitors started to flip and flicker, lines jumping erratically and then violently. 

“Is that― Does that mean it’s _hurting_ him?” Donna started forward instinctively, but the metacrisis Doctor held her back with one surprisingly immovable arm. 

“I programmed this myself,” he said. 

She turned wide eyes on him. “And did you program it not to hurt?” 

His eyes reflected nothing, looking particularly alien on his otherwise human features. 

The lights flickered, darkening, and the monitors spiked and sparked. 

The Doctor in brown didn’t move; didn’t blink. 

“How long does it take?” Rose asked from Donna’s other side, making her jump slightly. 

The Doctor in blue shrugged one shoulder. “Didn’t have any way to test it.” 

“Well, how do you know when it’s done?” Jack asked, also much closer than Donna had realized. 

The Doctor in blue opened his mouth, but the Doctor in brown did so as well, gasping in a great gulping breath. 

The lights flickered and flipped back to their usual neutral hues with a cheery chirp. 

“Doctor!” A chorus of relieved voices chimed in. 

He took another gulp of air and turned, unexpectedly, to his twin. Before anyone could register the movement, he snatched him down by the back of the neck, startling everyone, including the metacrisis Doctor, who fell forward with a yelp. 

“Doctor―“ Whatever Donna was going to say, she lost all track of it when the Doctor yanked his twin into a bracing hug.

“Thank you,” he gasped, muffled by a blue shoulder. 

After just a moment, he swept his left arm out blindly, dragging Donna in as well. 

Jack whooped in the background and then two other bodies threw themselves into the tangle. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” the Doctor chanted under his breath, at the lower range of human hearing. 


	9. A Harmless Favor

The Time Lord took a nap or dropped into a minor healing coma (depending on who one asked), and after her own kip, Donna ventured out to find the metacrisis Doctor. 

The TARDIS was still having trouble with the concept of two Doctors and kept routing Donna back to her own room, but she eventually managed to find her way to the pillow fort room.

The half-human Doctor was sprawled across one of the giant cushions, napping. 

Donna glanced up and down the corridor and snuck inside, clicking the door shut behind herself. 

“Doctor,” she called softly. 

He turned onto his side and started quietly snoring. 

“Doc-tor,” she called again.

No response. Except for a possible increase in snoring. 

She settled next to him and he immediately rolled half into her lap, nuzzling like a touch-starved puppy. 

“Act like you’ve been left out in the cold all night,” she teased, but stroked a hand through his hair. 

There was stubble on his cheek, much more than the Time Lord ever seemed to grow. The short hairs felt somehow more alien on the human, not quite rough under her fingertips. 

The skin pulled tighter, scrunching slightly. 

“What _are_ you doing?” the metacrisis Doctor asked and she nearly jumped out of her skin, jerking her hands back. 

“Nothing!” she said, nearly falling off the rounded edge as she tried and failed to work out somewhere neutral to put her hands. “You need a shave… Or maybe you should just stop shaving. It’s not half bad, this.” 

“Mphmm,” he rumbled, stretching like a giant cat. 

Donna reminded her body to ignore that. “I was having trouble finding you. I think the TARDIS still can’t quite tell you apart.” 

Brown eyes blinked up at her. “You were looking for me?” 

“Well,” she hedged, trying to decide on a tactful approach.

He went oddly stiff and then sat up. “What’s wrong?” 

Donna blinked at him. “Why would something be wrong?”

The metacrisis Doctor frowned. “Well. You already have the Time Lord.”

Donna flinched, but squared her shoulders. “Listen. What I said earlier― I didn’t mean, well, anything.”

His features went oddly slack, not quite blank. “It’s fine.” 

Donna huffed. “It’s not _fine_. It’s _nothing_! I didn’t mean―“

“Donna,” he interrupted dully, “It’s fine.” 

“Stop saying that!” she snapped. “I wasn’t― I was scared, all right?! You were all so― so _still_ , and we couldn’t tell if you were even still in there, and it was just pure luck that I got you back the first time and then you wanted me to― What if I couldn’t do it again? And we were just all on the TARDIS with both of you knocking about like creepy Doctor-sized dolls?! It wasn’t worth the risk!” 

The metacrisis Doctor remained infuriatingly calm, expression impassive. “Course not. Even half a Doctor is better than no Doctor.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying!” she shouted, nearly upending the whole pouf as she went up onto her knees. 

He caught her automatically, and she snatched him into a bracing hug. “I couldn’t risk losing you too!” 

He went very tense and then said, “You don’t have to say that,” in an oddly low voice. 

“Clearly I do!” she argued, but pulled him closer. 

He relaxed minutely, and then his head bobbed up a bit. “Why _were_ you looking for me then?” 

“I don’t only come looking for you when I need something,” Donna argued without thinking.

“I didn’t mean anything by it,” he said, slightly too lightly. He sat back, rubbing at one eye. “What can I help you with?”

Donna hesitated, having more trouble than she’d like remembering the last time she’d just stopped by for a chat for no reason. “I guess you and I haven’t really been… hanging out all that much…”

He looked away. “Well. Hard to keep track of that with two of me running around.” 

She frowned. “No, that’s not― I assumed you wanted to spend time with Rose. And, um, Jack.”

He blinked at her. “Why would that have anything to do with whether I’d want to spend time with you?” 

Donna remembered the other Doctor asking something similar, looking equally confused. “Er. Sorry.” She forged ahead determinedly. “Speaking of Jack though… Could you show me how to do the telepathy thing?”

The human Doctor blinked and then reared back like she’d unexpectedly stripped her top off. “You what?!” 

“Easy there,” she said, catching him before he fell off the cushion, “I just mean the thing you were doing with Jack in the market. Could you show me how to do that?” 

“Donna!” he gasped, scandalized. “That’s― It’s not―!” 

“Ohhh no,” she said. “You’re not pulling that safety card again. If you can do it, there’s no reason I can’t do it.”

He turned inexplicably red. “‘Not appropriate,’ is what I was going to say.”

Donna frowned, leaning in. “How do you mean?”

The metacrisis Doctor edged away like she might try to bite him. “It’s a bit… intimate.”

“How intimate could it be? You three were at it in the middle of the street in broad daylight!” 

He coughed, tugging at his collar. “It’s possible _that_ was… slightly inappropriate…” 

Donna laughed. “What, were you three having mind sex in front of everyone and their mothers?” 

“Of course not!” he sputtered. “It was just… slightly enhanced contact.” 

“So show me the contact bit,” she said, reasonably.

He cleared his throat again, pulling two buttons loose at his collar. “Why don’t you ask your― the other Doctor?” 

“And listen to a three-hour long speech about how he has no way to know what the limits of my feeble mind are? No, thank you.” She scooted closer, conspiratorially. “But you’re not going to give me any weird speeches, are you? We’re the same type of thing, you and me.” 

He gave her a suspicious look through his lashes. “Are you manipulating me?” 

“Do I have to manipulate my best mate just to get him to show me something?” she mused, trying for a playful tone. She nudged her elbow into his. “C’mon,” she coaxed. “Please?”

The metacrisis Doctor glanced at the closed door and shifted into a cross-legged position which she immediately mirrored. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“I’ll owe you one! Whatever you want!” she offered shamelessly. 

He tamped down his visible interest in that. “You don’t actually have to try to make this seem _more_ inappropriate,” he chided, but let her take his hands in hers. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, stroking her thumbs over his warm inner wrists. “I just― I’d like to know how to connect… like you’re used to, you know?”

The human Doctor looked at her with all the loneliness of his Time Lord original, but nodded before she could question it. 

“It might not work,” he warned. 

“If my brain starts to melt you have my permission to call it off,” she offered. 

He rolled his eyes, but leaned in. “First things first, we’ll have to see if you have any natural telepathic ability. Most humans don’t.” 

Donna nodded. “Less and less in common with ‘most humans’ these days, but sure.” 

He started to raise his hands and then hesitated, hovering by her temples. “This is… It’s not really necessary for me to do it this way, but it― It feels more natural…”

“Whatever winds your watch,” Donna said, trying not to sound as impatient as she felt. She wasn’t entirely successful based on his wry smirk, but he carried on all the same. 

His middle fingers touched her contact points, warm and gentle. “Try to open your mind,” he said. 

Donna wasn’t quite sure how to do that, but she tried to just relax as much as possible, imagining doors swinging open. 

“Oh,” he breathed, and suddenly he was right there with her. Not just touching, but coexisting in a way she hadn’t realized she’d been locked out of until just that moment. 

“Oh,” she said back, trying to work out how she even knew it was him. It wasn’t his voice or his face― just a presence that she’d recognize even if she were blind and deaf and held underwater. 

He really was the Doctor, but she could feel a warm, human undertone that she just knew was the distinguishing feature. And she loved it just as much as the rest. 

Her own Time Lord accent peeked out, called by its counterpart. 

“Hello,” he greeted, but it wasn’t out loud. Just a concept. A feeling, like being pulled into welcoming arms. 

“Hello,” she responded, and held him closer than her own heart. 

* * *

They disengaged only when the TARDIS’ gentle nudges turned insistent, worrying over what was apparently a significant passage of time. 

Donna blinked her eyes open to see wet streaks down the human Doctor’s cheeks and ducked forward for a kiss before she could think twice about it. His lips were warm and salty, but just as welcoming as ever, moving softly against hers.

She pulled back with an immediate, “Sorry,” swiping at her eyes, embarrassed. 

“‘Sok,” he mumbled, scrubbing his cuff over his own eyes, “Confusing, I know.” 

“No,” she said, and kissed him again because she just couldn’t seem to stop herself. “I know it’s you. It’s just― Thank you.” She added another kiss, getting his cheek this time, and pulled him into a hug. 

He returned it without hesitation, gripping her like she’d offered the first kind touch of his life. 

“Thank you,” one of them said, but she couldn’t for the life of her tell which. 


	10. A Little Relaxation

Rose woke to an empty bed, which was both rude _and_ inconvenient. She glared around blearily, but couldn’t see any sign of anyone else. Honestly, what was the point of all these people on the TARDIS if she was going to wake up alone?

She dragged herself upright, swiped her hair into something like a bun, and set off to search for tea or coffee or perhaps just a shot of pure adrenaline. 

She got distracted by the sound of chatter, which she followed to the room that reminded her of a pillow fort that the Doctor insisted had some official purpose that she couldn’t possibly understand. 

She immediately spotted the Doctor, sitting half on top of Donna, twisted around at a strange angle to carefully braid a ribbon into her hair. He had one foot propped up on her knee and she was painting his toenails blue. 

“Is this what you two get up to when we can’t find you?” Rose asked, already grinning. 

They both jumped, startled, and Donna narrowly avoided spilling the nail polish as she whipped around. “Rose! You scared the life out of me!” 

The Doctor turned bright pink and Rose realized. “Hang on, is that―“ She couldn’t see a jacket anywhere, but there was noticeable scruff around his jaw that the Time Lord never seemed to get. “Is that _my_ Doctor you’re painting?” 

They both went very still, looking like very large children caught sneaking biscuits. 

“Thought you wouldn’t be up for a while,” the human Doctor said finally. 

Rose planted her hands on her hips. “Woke up alone too! Because someone wanted to sneak off and have a girls night without me!” 

Donna’s embarrassed look tipped into a suspicious squint. “Are you angling for an invite?” 

“Hello! Only other girl on board!” Rose said, pointing at herself. The TARDIS chittered and she corrected that to, “Only other girl with hands and feet, I mean.” 

The chittering died down to the usual low rumble. 

Donna glanced at the metacrisis Doctor who shrugged and asked, “Er, would you like to join us?” 

Rose bounded over, picking around the nearby cushions for a perch. “What are we doing? Hair? Nails? Face masks?”

Donna watched her dig through a bin of foil packets. “Did you have that with you when you came in?” 

“Course not. The TARDIS knows the ones I like― Ooh!” She pulled out a bright green one. “You have to try this one!” 

Donna took it, turning it over to find an odd mesh of alien symbols. “Are the translation circuits not working?” 

“Writing takes a bit,” Rose explained, flipping through packets. “I recognize that weird blob anywhere though.”

“Don- _na,_ ” the human Doctor whined, wiggling his unfinished toes. 

“Right, right, right― Hang on.” She caught his ankle, holding it up to check for streaks. Finding none, she put it back down, and resumed carefully painting. 

He resumed braiding in her peripheral vision. 

“Is that a ribbon? What did I say about ribbons?” 

“It’s hard to remember your stance on everything,” the human Doctor hedged. 

“Since when can you braid hair?” Rose asked. 

Donna’s eyes snapped over without moving her head. “Hang on, does he not insist on playing with _your_ hair? I thought this was just one of his weird alien things!” 

“It’s not weird!” the metacrisis Doctor argued, “And you like it!” 

Donna blew on his toes and he jumped, squeaking. 

“That tickles!!” 

“Does it?” she asked mildly. “How strange.” She blew again, not even bothering to aim for the nails.

“Stop that!”

“I’m helping them dry!” she argued. 

“How often do you guys do this?” Rose asked, fighting down an inconvenient pang of jealousy. 

Donna blinked, having to angle a look down her cheek to keep from moving her head. “Not often.” 

“Not what you’d call often,” the metacrisis Doctor added. He paused, fingers twisted carefully, and looked at Rose. “Why do you ask?” 

“Seems like you’ve got a whole routine is all,” Rose observed. 

The human Doctor hummed, working his way carefully to the ends. He tied it off and tapped Donna’s arm. “Switch.” 

Donna blew another puff of air over his foot, but carefully set it aside, before they both began a complicated maneuver that apparently involved switching sides without getting up. They casually re-tangled in mirror image and he immediately pulled out yet another ribbon and started sectioning her hair. 

“I could braid yours next,” he offered, glancing up at Rose before returning his eyes to his work. 

Donna was facing her now and caught the way her hand crept up toward her messy bun self-consciously. 

“Or I could,” Donna offered. 

“You can braid?” the human Doctor asked, like he’d never even considered the possibility. 

Donna gave him an annoyed look out of the corner of her eye. “Of course I can. Who said I couldn’t?” 

“You never offer to braid my hair!” 

“Well how could I? You said ‘no’ to the wig!” 

“You wanted _me_ to wear the wig?! I thought it was for _you_!” 

“Why the hell did you care whether I got it if you thought it was for me?!” 

He grumbled something unintelligible and Donna rolled her eyes back around to Rose. 

“Do you mind coming over here? If you think he’s dramatic now, just watch what happens if I try to move my head while he’s ‘creating.’” She added air quotes and ignored his louder grumbling in response. 

“Oh, I haven’t washed mine yet,” Rose said. 

Donna shrugged. “Want me to do your nails instead?” She tapped the knee in front of her and the Doctor lowered it 6 inches. 

Rose hesitated, glancing at the human Doctor, but he was still working his way through Donna’s hair with a level of concentration more appropriate for stringing together DNA. 

Donna nudged him with an elbow. “Oi. Spaceman.” 

He made a vague, inquisitive noise. 

“You’re making Rose feel like a gooseberry.” 

“A what?”

“Just don’t mean to interrupt,” Rose said. 

The human Doctor turned wide eyes on her. “Interrupt what?” 

Rose gestured between them. “Your whole best mate thing.” 

He blinked owlishly. “You’re not interrupting. But I can’t braid your hair at the same time. No extra arms in this body.” 

Donna skewed a look sideways. “What do you mean ‘in _this_ body??’”

His eyes got even wider. “Why is everyone staring at me? I’m just braiding Donna’s hair! I used to braid Donna’s hair all the time! Is this against the rules all of a sudden?!” 

Donna narrowed her eyes, but gestured to Rose. “Right. You’re not interrupting. You heard the man.” 

“I’m not a _man_ ,” he said, scandalized. 

“You are _now_ , aren’t you?!” Donna pointed out. 

He made a sharp, indignant sound. “Why are you being so mean to me?! I’m braiding your hair! You like when I braid your hair!” 

“You said it creeped you out when I was nice!” 

“What?! When did I say _that_?!?”

Donna opened her mouth and then shut it, looking distinctly embarrassed. “Um. Never mind.” 

It took him only a moment to realize and gasp again, even more indignantly. “ _You’re_ confusing me with the other one?!”

“It’s hard to keep track!” she snapped and snatched her hand off his knee. 

“I can keep track of all of you!” he argued. 

“Listen, if I get a carbon copy, you get a free pass to not know which of me is which,” she said. “But for now I apologize. Can we all just...?” She made an impatient gesture, apparently meant to convey ‘Calm down.’ 

“Is there usually this much arguing at girl’s night?” Rose asked.

“Yes,” Donna said, at the same time the human Doctor said, “No.” 


	11. A Very Logical And Understandable Mistake

The Doctor woke up alone, but his internal clock informed him he’d been asleep for 14 hours and 53 minutes, which probably explained that. His stomach rumbled, informing him that it was a bit long even by his standards. 

He set out to find biscuits before any humans barged in to argue that he should eat something ‘real.’ 

(As though biscuits were figments of his imagination.) 

The Doctor made his way to the tertiary galley to see if he could find the custard creams he’d stashed there. He was digging around in the shelves when the door opened and Jack sauntered in. 

He gave a quick nod to acknowledge the immortal and then got back to digging, certain it was around there somewhere. He leaned further in, reaching, and two large hands caught his waist, helpfully providing the necessary counterweight. 

He spotted the tin and managed to catch it up on the second swipe. 

When he turned to thank Jack and maybe even offer to share a few as a show of good favor, he was entirely unprepared for a not-entirely-unfamiliar mouth to lick into his. 

Jack tasted sharp and impossible, and kissed like a man who had all the time in the world.

Two large, warm hands traced the upper back of his pelvis and Jack applied just the right amount of pressure, igniting the nerve clusters that humans usually skated right past. The immortal worked his way under the Oxford, moving unerringly to the same spots and then he went oddly stiff, jerking back. 

“Oh, no,” he said, eyes wide and horrified, “You’re the wrong one, aren’t you?” His hands jumped off the Doctor’s skin like he’d suddenly become electrified.

The Doctor blinked at him, trying to decide what to do with any of that. “What do you mean the wrong― Awww,” he cut off, groaning. “ _You_ thought _I_ was that rubbish human clone?!!” 

Jack took two large steps back, hands up and palms out. “Listen, I didn’t mean to―“

Several realizations slotted into place, ripping down the Doctor’s spine. “You―! He―!” His hips tingled from the uncommonly sure touch. “He _told_ you―?!” 

“I’m sorry!” Jack said quickly. “I honestly―” 

The Doctor waved him off impatiently. “Never mind all that― Where is he?! No, you don’t know. You thought he was in here!” He tried to get the TARDIS to tell him, but the TARDIS just sent back a fuzzy sense of confusion at the question. Did he not know where he was? 

“Can _no one_ tell the difference between us?!” 

“Sorry!” Jack said again. “I thought― I thought you were in the pillow fort room with Donna. Must have been―“ 

“The cushion pack room?” The Doctor spun on Jack, startling him back. “When was that?”

“Um,” Jack said, hands up, palms out, “A few minutes ago? I’m really sorry; I just assumed―“ 

The Doctor was already off, running down the halls. 

* * *

The Doctor burst into the cushion pack room to find his pesky doppelgänger holding Donna’s hair so that she could see it in the mirror. Two steps in, he realized Rose was there too, hidden from the doorway by the other two. 

Donna caught his eye in the mirror, jumping and wrenching herself around. “Doctor? When did you―?“ 

“This is _un_ acceptable!” the Doctor cut her off, heading straight for his rubbish human clone. 

The metacrisis Doctor, to his credit, was not entirely without a self-preservation instinct. He scrambled upright, just managing to dodge his grab. 

“Woah! What the―!?” 

“I can explain!” Jack said, appearing in the doorway, looking uncharacteristically frazzled. 

“Explain _what_?!” the metacrisis Doctor yelped, leaping away from the Time Lord’s next lunge. 

“I _thought_ he was _you_!” Jack said, angling himself between the two. 

“Well, that’s hardly― Aw!” The metacrisis Doctor turned wide eyes on Jack. “You didn’t…” 

“I thought he was you!” Jack said again, louder. “I walked by here― saw one of you in here petting Donna and when I came across the other one I came to a very logical and understandable conclusion!” 

The Time Lord hadn’t seemed to be paying that close attention, trying to work out an angle of attack, but he certainly tuned in for that. “What do you mean, petting Donna?!” 

“He was braiding my hair,” Donna said, suddenly right behind him. “What on Earth has you all wound up?” 

He spun on her, pointing toward the other Doctor. “My rubbish clone has been parading himself around like some common human! With _my_ face! And _my_ body! Telling half the Universe how to―!” 

“Oi, what do you mean common human?!” Donna objected. 

“Compared to Time Lords,” the Doctor said dismissively, grabbing for his twin again. “But this one―”

“I’m not a Time Lord! What does it matter what I do?” the metacrisis Doctor chimed in. 

“What does it _matter?!_ ” the Doctor shrieked.

“Doc-tor!” Donna cut in, “What _does_ it matter??”

The Time Lord spun on her, indignant. “I have a reputation to maintain! And he is ruining it!” 

“Dunno about _ruining_ ―” Jack started and then reconsidered at the sharp glare. 

The Doctor threw an arm out wide. “Do you see!?”

“Um,” Donna said, watching Rose sneak over to the other two. “Pretty sure I get the picture, yeah.” She squinted an eye at him. “Did you honestly not put that together until just now?”

“Donna!”

“Well, they haven’t exactly made a secret of it!” 

“Which is _precisely_ my _point!_ ”

Jack, practiced in the fine art of strategic retreats, caught the other Doctor’s eye and tilted his head toward the door. But the Time Lord caught the motion. 

“Jack!” he snapped.

“I didn’t mean to!” the immortal said immediately. 

“You can’t just―!” The Doctor flapped like an angry heron, turning to Donna. “He can’t just―!” He whirled on his twin. “You can’t just ponce around doing whatever you like with _my_ companions!” 

The duplicate Doctor paused in his edging toward the door. “What do you mean _your_ ―?!”

“You know exactly what I mean! Now come here!” The Doctor whipped past Donna, lunging for his twin. 

“Yeah, I _don’t_ think so!” the metacrisis Doctor dodged left, ducked right, and dove into the hall. 

“Get back here!” the Doctor shouted, tearing after him. 

“ _No, ta!_ ”

They clattered down the corridor and around a corner, slamming through a door just as the humans tumbled out after them. 

Donna sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “Could you?” 

There was a rumbling groan and the Doctors crashed back into view, behind them. Donna waved the one in blue by and then casually bodychecked the one in brown into the wall. 

“Donna!” he yelped, scrabbling. “Let me―“

“Doctor!” Donna grabbed him by the tie and hissed, “Stop it!” 

He wrenched around to stare at her. “But he―!”

“Yeah, no, I’ve pieced it together,” she said, entirely too unconcerned by the whole affair. “But you still need to _calm down_.” 

“But he―!” 

“And we can talk about that,” she said. “But maybe first we get our temper under control, hm?” 

He glared, too keyed up to even form words. 

She looked over his shoulder at the trio, awkwardly huddled together while trying not to look huddled together. 

“For the record, this is where a distinctive jumper would come in handy,” she pointed out.

“I’m wearing blue, aren’t I?” The metacrisis Doctor gestured to his chest, realized he was actually missing his jacket, gestured to his trousers, realized what that looked like, and pointed at the Time Lord instead. “He’s always in brown and I’m always in blue! It’s not a complicated system!” 

“Unless you take your jacket off and someone can’t see your legs,” Jack grumbled.

The metacrisis Doctor turned an indignant look on him. “And I suppose the other one was neck-deep in some sort of sinkhole when you found him?” 

Jack looked away. “Thought you were just… tired of blue or something. You complain about it enough―“

The metacrisis Doctor shoved a hand over his mouth and turned back to the other two. “I don’t see why _I_ should have to wear a jumper! Do I have to wear a _uniform_ to walk around my own TARDIS?!” 

“It’s _my_ ―!!” The Doctor in brown whipped around, only to have Donna clap a hand over his mouth, whispering urgently in his ear. 

He looked ready to start spitting tacks, but still seemed unwilling to physically fight her off.

“Break to cool off?” she suggested. 

“Fantastic idea,” the metacrisis Doctor said. “See you in three years?”

Donna rolled her eyes, coaxing the Time Lord back toward his room like a wild tiger. 


	12. A Proposal

Donna coaxed, cajoled, and ultimately threatened the Doctor back into his room. She sat him down on the bed, crossed her arms, opened her mouth, and realized she didn’t have a clue what to say. 

“So,” she started, hoping the sentence would fill itself in the rest of the way. Which it did not. “So,” she started again, “Had a bit of a misunderstanding with Jack, did you?” 

“He thought I was that rubbish human version!” the Doctor said, a portrait of betrayal. “I’m the _last Time Lord in existence_ and he―“ He choked on whatever he was about to say, scowling at the door. 

Donna, regrettably, found his scowling a bit cute. But she didn’t think he’d appreciate the update right then. “Well… he figured it out pretty quickly though… Right? Didn’t… um… take too many liberties?” She tried and failed to think of a delicate way to ask whether he’d been groped by accident or assaulted… by accident. 

“He snogged me!” the Doctor said, in a tone so outraged she was pretty sure that was the long and short of it. 

“Oh,” she said. “Well. I’m sorry. But Jack clearly wasn’t trying to force himself on you― just a case of mistaken identity! Are you sure you don’t want to let him apologize?”

“What?” The Doctor screwed up his face, baffled. “I’m not mad at _Jack_!” 

“Oh,” she said, relieved. 

“Why would I be mad at _Jack_?!” the Doctor asked, like he couldn’t imagine what the answer would be. 

“Well. I’ll be honest, I thought it was because he’s a bloke.” 

The Doctor seemed even more confused. “Why would I care about _that_?”

She opened her mouth and closed it again before settling on, “Some men get sensitive about that.” 

He frowned and said, “ _I’m_ not a _man_ ,” like she’d mistaken him for mold or some type of invasive fungus. 

She couldn’t quite resist giving him a quick kiss on his adorable, indignant face. Which screwed up even more in response, like he was losing all sense of the plot. “Donna, _what_ ―?“ 

“Sorry,” she said, “You’re just a bit cute.”

“ _Cute?!_ ” The Doctor’s expression was pure outrage. Which regrettably still looked a bit cute. 

“Stop distracting me! I’m trying to focus!” she scolded. 

His expression shifted to somewhere between livid and utterly lost. “Are you _trying_ to humiliate me? Because I really don’t need your help with that at the moment!” 

“No, no,” she said, stroking a hand through his hair, “No, I’m really not.” She swallowed, trying to center herself. “Sorry, I do know you’re upset. I just have no idea _why_.”

The Doctor’s brow slammed back down. “What do you mean _why_?! There’s a useless human copy of _me_ that’s apparently working on a master plan to _boff_ his way across the cosmos starting with _everyone I know_! Telling them all how to― Do you have any idea _how many people I know_?!?” 

Donna bit her lip, _hard_ , willing herself not to laugh at his horrified face. She pressed her hand to her mouth until she was sure she could manage to speak without losing it. “I’ve some idea. Yeah.” She immediately replaced her hand, pressing hard enough to feel it in her teeth. 

“It’s not funny!” he shouted, jumping to his feet. “I’m the last of my kind and he’s― he’s just―“ He flailed and then flagged a bit, hunching like he’d suddenly felt every single one of his 904 years all at once. 

She settled in next to him, moving her arms around at an awkward right angle. 

“Did you honestly not put this together already?” she asked.

The Doctor stiffened further. “Jack― he knew― he knew about the nerve clusters!” He gestured vaguely toward his pelvis. “Humans don’t― that other one _told_ him!”

Donna glanced down and forced her eyes back up, keeping her face rigidly neutral. “Ah,” she said. 

“He can’t tell people about my―! And not just _people_! Rose and Jack! _My_ ―!” He gestured sharply. “ _Rose_ and _Jack!_ ” 

Donna realized something that had been simmering just below conscious thought. And realized she’d already made a decision. 

The Doctor was still talking. “And I don’t―” 

“Listen,” Donna interrupted, catching one of his hands in hers. “Do you― Would you want to ask the others whether we could join them?”

The Doctor’s face scrunched in confusion. “Join them for _what_?” 

“For their― _in_ their relationship. Ask if they’d be willing to include us? As well?”

He went ramrod straight. “What?” 

Donna tried to use her most delicate phrasing. “I… don’t think I’d mind sharing. I like the idea of it, a bit. If we could hit the right balance.” 

“What?!” he asked again, sounding genuinely puzzled now. 

“Don’t look at me like that― You understand that Rose, Jack, and the other Doctor are all together, yes?” 

He nodded. Once. Very slowly. 

“So you understand the _concept_ of multiple partners…?”

He nodded again, somehow even more slowly. 

“So… What if, instead of throwing temper tantrums… What if we asked Rose, Jack, and the other Doctor if they’d be interested in including us? As well?” 

His brows slammed together. “What?”

“They’re clearly open to the concept,” she said. “And I wouldn’t― I might like to― ” She cut off, refocusing. “We could at least talk about it.”

The Doctor’s scowled so hard it distorted his whole face. “Are you offering what you think I want? Based on what the other one is doing?” 

Donna sighed and admitted, “I’m not offering anything I’m not also interested in.” She tried not to think too hard about how nicely they all fit together. “Just… something we could talk about. If you wanted.” 

The Doctor immediately looked completely terrified. “Right now?!”

She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or sigh and ended up splitting the difference. “No, I don’t mean let’s barge in right this second. I’m just… starting the conversation. If you’d like.”

The Doctor looked at her and then looked away, but didn’t let go of her hand. 


	13. Something Like an Apology

Donna caught the Doctor just as he was about to barge into the gold lounge. “What do you want to tell the others about your little outburst earlier?”

He frowned. “Why would I tell them anything?”

Donna frowned right back. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you tried to beat the living daylights out of the other Doctor?”

“Well, I won’t do that again.”

“So you’re thinking we just waltz in, explain nothing, and propose a nice picnic?” 

The Doctor made a face that clearly read ‘Don’t see why not.’

“You have to at least apologize!” Donna argued. 

He narrowed his eyes, but ran a quick calculation and decided that was probably the fastest route to Donna no longer yelling at him. “Fine.” 

Donna squinted at him. “Do you have any idea what you’re going to say?”

“Course not,” he said breezily. “But that’s always true.” And with that, he swept inside. 

Jack, Rose, and the metacrisis Doctor were tangled up on one of the nearer settees. They visibly tensed, but didn’t immediately flee, which the Doctor took as an invitation to start speaking. 

“Right,” the Time Lord said, crossing his arms. “I might have overreacted. And I probably won’t neuter you. Anytime soon.” 

“Well, color me reassured,” the scruffy Doctor grumbled, but didn’t seem inclined to press the issue. 

The Doctor clapped his hands and straightened up. “Right. So. Lunch? Donna, what did you suggest, a picnic?” 

Donna gave him an incredulous look. “Do you really think no one’s going to have any follow-up questions?” 

The Doctor turned back to the trio, who blinked at him.

“I could have a picnic.” 

“Picnic sounds good.” 

“Picnic works!” 

The Doctor turned back to Donna, gesturing expectantly, and she just rolled her eyes. 

“You’re all useless. Let’s go have a picnic.” 

* * *

They set up on Cotter Paluni’s World like a strange day at a very dry beach, sprawled out on a large throw that the TARDIS allowed them to drag out. Lightning cracked around them, lighting up the skies like a planet-wide plasma globe.

They pulled over a basket of snacks, courtesy of the TARDIS, and started pawing through various fruits and nuts. 

After a few minutes of quiet snacking and watching the lightning light up the horizon, Rose prodded the nearer Doctor, which happened to be the Time Lord. “Do you have some string in one of your pockets?” 

He immediately started digging in his left one. “Twine? Wire? Ribbon?” 

“Twine would work. Something non-metallic.” 

He pulled out a spool and handed it over then watched curiously as she started tying it around one of the larger nuts. She then unravelled several meters. “This isn’t some weird, secretly conductive alien fiber is it?” 

“Nope,” he popped. 

“So if I toss one end outside of the barrier it won’t carry electricity back in here and barbecue all of us, right?”

He twisted around, more curious. “No, the TARDIS barrier would protect against that anyway. Nothing gets in unless it came from here to begin with.” 

“Perfect,” she said and tossed the nut out through the barrier. 

Lightning cracked, and then cracked again, clearly drawn to the foreign object. Rose collected herself quickly, yanking the string back in. The lightning subsided and they all regarded the newly toasted nut. 

“What do you think? Safe to try?” 

The Doctor in brown was already pulling it over and cracking it open with the glee of a nerdy kid at his first science fair. He sniffed it and popped it into his mouth. 

“…Well?”

His ridiculous brows shot up with a pleased sound and he enthusiastically chewed and swallowed. “That is _brilliant_!”

He immediately grabbed another nut, repeated the process and pulled it back in, offering it to Rose this time. 

She took it without hesitation. “Tasty!” 

The Doctor in blue was already unravelling several meters of threads, cutting them into separate lengths with sharp teeth. 

They all immediately set to a strangely violent fishing game, tossing things out on the strings, drawing lightning strikes just outside the barrier, and then pulling the toasted treats back in. 

It was all fun and games until the Doctor in brown tossed one of the fruits and it immediately exploded, throwing a spray of molten jam back. 

Donna and Jack were shielded by the Time Lord, but the metacrisis Doctor and Rose weren’t so lucky.

“Doctor!” Rose yelped, ducking just a little too late and catching a streak across her hair. 

“What’d you do _that_ for?!” the bearded Doctor howled, having gotten his hand up just in time to catch a searing line across it. 

The Time Lord whipped around, sporting several stripes across his suit and hair, and turned immediately to Rose. “Are you all right? Did it get on your skin?” 

“No, just the hair,” she said, eying the sticky mess as best she could. 

“Don’t touch it,” he warned, “It’s hot.” 

“Oh is it?!” the metacrisis Doctor squawked from the other side.

Jack caught his flailing hand, holding his own palm up close enough to feel the heat and hissing through his teeth. “That’s gotta hurt.” 

“Poor Doctor,” Donna crooned, checking him over. “Did it get anywhere else?” 

He whimpered, eyes watering, and indicated his sleeve and shoulder. 

“It’s not that bad,” the Doctor in brown said, pretzeling around to have a look.

“It’s basically molten caramel!” the Doctor in blue argued. 

“Exactly!” the Doctor in brown said, pulling his sonic out and pointing it at the other's palm. 

The Doctor in blue yelped like a kicked puppy and the angry red streak popped off, falling to the blanket with a dull thunk. “Ow!” he said, loudly.

“Easily fixed.” The Doctor in brown gave him a brisk once-over with the sonic, knocking the rest loose in a similar fashion. He then repeated the process on Rose and himself. 

He turned back to find Jack and Donna carefully probing the metacrisis Doctor’s hand where an angry welt was immediately visible. “Here, let me.” Without further ado, he pulled his double’s hand over and unceremoniously licked his palm.

“Ow!!” the part-human howled. “What are you― _Ohhh_ ,” he trailed off into a pleased moan.

The Time Lord licked again, more slowly, flattening his tongue. 

“What on Earth…?” Donna asked from her accidental front-row seat. 

“Cooler body temp,” the metacrisis Doctor said, groaning as the stinging faded. “And healing enzymes keyed to our... Ah, that’s better.” 

“Honestly,” the Time Lord chided, but gave him another solid lick. He looked up to find the other three humans staring. “…What?” 

Jack cleared his throat. “What were you _trying_ to do, out of curiosity?”

The Time Lord blinked and then dug around between them, pulling up one of the hard candy shards. “This,” he said, holding it out. 

Jack hesitated only a moment before popping it into his mouth. Immediately his brows shot up, expression melting.

“That good?” Rose asked, already hunting around for a piece that had fallen off her collar. There was a brief shuffle and then a chorus of pleased sounds. 

“I’m less mad about the burn now,” the bearded Doctor mumbled, hunting around for more pieces. 

“I didn’t think it’d be so violent,” the Time Lord Doctor admitted, not looking particularly guilty about the oversight. 

“Is it bad that I kind of want more?” Rose asked. 

Donna fished a bit out of the Time Lord’s lapel, snapping it in two and handing half to Rose. “We could set up a shield? Maybe something out of the galley?”

“A shield!” the Doctor in brown chirped. 

“Or a casing!” the Doctor in blue added. 

Both Doctors jumped up, running inside without so much as a by-your-leave. 


	14. Small Talk

Donna realized, belatedly, that she wasn’t quite sure when she’d last been alone with Jack and Rose. She tried and failed not to think about her old school days and awkward lunch table negotiations. 

Jack didn’t seem to even notice the Doctors leaving, too busy chatting with Rose. As soon as a door slammed in the distance, however, he cut off mid-sentence, turning to Donna with a delighted grin. “Fantastic! I never get left alone with you!” 

“Alone?” Rose objected.

“Unsupervised,” he corrected smoothly, scooting them both closer. 

“Er,” Donna said, “Have you been trying to talk to me?” 

Jack threw one arm out wide. “Course I have! Tell me everything about yourself. Right now!” 

“Um,” Donna said. “What?” 

“Jack, you’ve been spending too much time with the Doctor,” Rose laughed. 

“Exactly!” he said. “You guys show up out of the blue with two Doctors and two couples and think I don’t have any questions?” He turned back to Donna. “Seriously. Huge fan of your work. Tell me everything! Spare no detail.”

“Er,” Donna said again. “How do you mean, ‘my work?’” 

Jack leaned in, looking like a kid about to hear the grandest fairytale. “You cracked the last Time Lord! How’d you do it?” 

Donna frowned at the phrasing. “I didn’t _crack_ ―“

“I don’t mean it like that,” Jack said, quickly. His expression turned earnest. “I genuinely want to know! Clearly you’re brilliant. And gorgeous. But the Doctor ignores brilliant and gorgeous people all the time. So there must be something particularly special about you!”

“I’m nothing special,” Donna snorted. “I’m a temp from Chiswick.” 

“Pffft,” Jack scoffed, “That’s just credentials. Any idiot with the right cards can get credentials. You saved the Universe!” 

“Just touched a hand in a jar,” Donna said. “Not exactly the Iliad, is it?” 

“Looked pretty epic from where I was standing,” Jack said. “And you got us out of that telepathic lock. That’s pretty brilliant!”

“Oh, I still have the Time Lord mind,” she said, gesturing to her own head. “Not the memories, but the knowledge.”

“It’s not just that though,” Rose interrupted, startling her. “The Doctor said you ended a planet-wide civil war! Back before any of the metacrisis!” 

Jack’s brows shot up eagerly. “Now we’re talking!” 

“I just read some numbers.” Donna waved that off. “He exaggerates.” 

“He said the Ood sing about you across the Universe,” Rose added. 

Donna looked away. “Well, they sing about lots of things. Big into singing, the Ood.” 

Jack breezed right past that. “Stopping wars, freeing slaves… But you weren’t armed when we got held up at the festival?” 

Donna looked at him, baffled. “Why on Earth would _I_ be _armed?_ ”

Jack looked her up and down. “More into hand-to-hand combat?” he guessed. 

“Why would I be into _any_ kind of combat?” Donna asked, starting to get indignant. “I’m no soldier!” 

Both Rose and Jack flinched.

Donna winced as well. “Er. Not that there’s anything wrong with―“

“Oh,” Jack said, finally losing some of his fervor. “So that’s it.”

Donna squinted at him. “What’s it?” 

Jack smiled, but it seemed a bit too sharp. “Guess I could’ve guessed,” he said, turning to Rose with a sigh. “Shame my idealist ship sailed a few centuries back.” 

Rose frowned. “Don’t say it like _that_. I worked for Torchwood too.” 

Jack smiled a bit more genuinely, slinging an arm over and pulling her in for a hug. “Right you are. Can’t be all bad!” 

Donna was still frowning. “Are you calling me an idealist? Just because I don’t carry a gun? You really are American, aren’t you?” 

“No, no,” Jack assured her. “It’s not a bad thing! Clearly!” 

Donna frowned harder. “The Doctor doesn’t just write off anyone who…” She trailed off, thinking. “Okay, he might not have the best track record…” She physically shook that off. “But I’m not better than you just because I’ve never been forced to fight!” She put an earnest hand on his where it was propped on the ground. “That’s not what I meant, honestly!” 

Jack looked down at her hand, up at her face, and then over to Rose. “Oh, no,” he said. “I get it.” 

Rose smiled a crooked little smile. “Yeah, it sneaks up on you.” 

Donna frowned. “What does?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rose said. To Jack, she added a teasing, “Have you gotten in all your questions?” 

Jack cocked a brow at her. “You obviously know I haven’t.” He turned back to Donna. “Does the Time Lord have the same thing about just behind his ear?” He held a hand up to his own head, tapping the space that did, incidentally, set the Time Lord off like a purring mess. 

Donna’s face must have given it away because he laughed, and made a hand-over-hand rolling gesture indicating it was her turn. 

Donna hesitated, but couldn’t quite resist. “Is yours any better at reading signals yet? I feel like I’m trying to lure mine into an unmarked van half the time.” 

“Oh, it’s obscene what you can get away with,” Jack agreed. “The other day, I was in the shower―“

“Jack!” Rose cut him off, laughing. “Don’t tell Donna that!” 

“I could hear a little more,” Donna laughed. 

Rose glanced inside and then leaned in conspiratorially. “How’s that oral fixation treatin’ ya?” 

Donna shrieked, “Rose!” 

“Oh, like the shower story was going to be PG!” 

Before Donna could reply, the Doctors chose that moment to reappear with a clatter.

“Doctors!” she greeted, entirely too loudly. 

“Donna!” the Doctors greeted back cheerily. 

“Look what we made.” The Doctor in blue held up a hollow plastic sphere, roughly the side of a basketball. 

“You made a ball?” Rose asked. 

“You were in there that entire time making a ball?” Donna clarified. 

“It’s a non-conductive shell casing,” the Doctor in brown said, arranging a large pane of what appeared to be safety glass in front of them. 

“And what’s _that_?” Jack asked, gamely. 

“That’s just in case our calculations are off,” the Doctor in blue said.

“What calculations?” Donna asked, getting a bit less patient. 

The Doctor in brown turned at her tone, blinking. “The calculations for the candy making,” he said, like he had no idea why she needed to be reminded. 

“ _That’s_ what this is for?!” 

“Course,” he said. “What else would it be?”

She opened her mouth, visibly decided it wasn’t worth it, and closed it again. 

The Doctor in blue cracked the sphere open along an invisible seam. “Rose, do you have any of the cakletfruit left?” 

“Why are you asking _me_?” she asked defensively, but handed over the noticeably-less-full basket. 

The Doctor in blue dropped one of the fruit into the sphere without comment. He clicked it closed, tied it with twine, and handed it to the Doctor in brown.

In no time at all, they had a very violent candy production system.


	15. A Bit Too Much

Far too many candied fruits later, the metacrisis Doctor was looking a little grey. 

“You ate too much, didn’t you?” Donna asked. “Made yourself sick!” 

“I don’t get _sick!_ ” he scoffed and then swayed slightly. “On an unrelated subject, my stomach does hurt though. Could you…?” He turned pathetically big brown eyes on her. 

Donna sighed. “Oh, just come here.” 

“You’re the best!” The Doctor in blue immediately plunked himself down between her knees, leaning his back into her chest like a comfy recliner. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Donna grumbled, but rubbed one hand over his belly.

He arched into it as shamelessly as any cat. “Want me to return the favor later? What is it, four days until your monthlies?” 

“ _What_ did I say about tracking that?! _And_ bringing it up in front of other people?!” Donna hissed, yanking her hand back. 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry.” He caught her before she could wrench away, turning his pleading look up to eleven. “Please don’t stop!” 

“Fine thanks for trying to help you feel better,” she grumbled, but resumed rubbing.

The human Doctor wriggled around, practically purring. “Ah, that’s perfect. Donna Noble, you are brilliant and amazing and the best mate anyone could ask for.”

Donna turned a bit pink in the cheeks. “Don’t have to butter me up. I’m already doing it!” She propped her knees up a little better, leaning over, and he made an ecstatic noise that finally got the Time Lord’s attention. 

The Doctor in brown turned and immediately squinted at his twin. “Is that really necessary?” To Donna, he added, “Just give him some water. Half your human problems can be solved with more water.” 

“Don’t listen to him,” the Doctor in blue purred, arching around shamelessly. “He doesn’t even have a medical degree.” 

“I know,” Donna crooned. “Don’t worry, I won’t listen to his lies.” 

“Donna!” The Doctor in brown sniffed and then paused, turning to Jack and Rose and sniffing more pointedly. “What’s got you two all wound up?” 

They jumped and became very interested in the skyline. 

“What?” Rose asked, trying for innocent. 

“Wasn’t doing anything!” Jack said, unconvincingly.

The Time Lord gave Donna a curious glance, but she didn’t seem to notice with his duplicate’s head jammed under her chin, rubbing like a giant cat. 

“Honestly, you act like you never get any attention,” she said, laughing at the ticklish feeling of his beard.

“Could you show _a little_ decorum?” the Time Lord asked archly.

“Why?” the human Doctor asked, bracing his feet and nearly knocking Donna over. “We’re the only ones here.” 

Donna’s pheromones unexpectedly joined the mix. 

“Donna!” the Time Lord chided. 

“Well I can hardly help it, can I?” 

“Help what?” the metacrisis Doctor asked curiously. 

“Um,” she said. 

“Honestly. Just let me do it,” the Doctor said. He sniffed, moving forward and then yelped, ” _Donna!_ ” 

“OK, everyone stop yelling at me!” 

“Who’s yelling?” Jack piped up mildly. “I was thinking about getting a camera.” 

“I have my phone,” Rose said, and started patting her pockets. 

“Right, up you get,” the Time Lord caught his double under the arms and dragged up unceremoniously to his feet. 

“Oi! _I_ don’t grab _you!_ ” 

“Clearly we’ve spent too much time sitting in one place,” the Doctor in brown said, brushing invisible dust off his twin. “You’re all getting bored.”

“ _I’m_ not bored,” Rose said.

“If this is what boredom feels like I could go in for some more,” Jack added supportively. 

“Stop it,” the Time Lord said. “Come on, clone. Let’s get some water into you.” 


	16. Clear Communication

“I have a thought,” Donna said as soon as the Doctor’s door closed behind them. “I think we should try to spend some proper time with the others.”

The Doctor went preternaturally still. “You said I didn’t have to decide yet.” 

Donna tugged him down to sit next to her on the sofa. “I’m not saying we have to jump them. I’m saying we should spend time with them. When was the last time you were alone with Rose or Jack?”

The Doctor skewed a look sideways. “Is this leading up to another accusation about me being ‘clingy?’ Because you send out very mixed signals about when you do and don’t want company in the ensuite!”

“Yes, it’s a real mystery,” Donna said, rolling her eyes. “But no, I’m just saying. These are your friends! _Our_ friends! Don’t you want to spend time with them?” 

The Doctor looked away, grumbling, “Are you trying to get rid of me again?”

Donna wanted to be annoyed, but she found it annoyingly endearing that he was always so worried she was going to try to shake him off. “No, Spaceman. I’m just― Aren’t you even a little worried that we’ll get sick of each other?”

The Doctor looked at her, wounded. “I thought you _liked_ spending time with me!”

Donna sighed explosively. “Of course I― Oh! I forgot!” She perked up, realizing. “I could just show you!” 

That at least seemed to interrupt his pity party, replacing it with confusion. “What?”

“We could do the mind thing― The telepathy thing!” 

“The _what?_ ” the Doctor asked. 

“The telepathic connection thing. You know the thing you do. The thing you and Jack and the other one were all getting up to in the middle of that festival before we got arrested!” 

The Doctor goggled at her. “You’d― You’d do that?” 

“Sure I would!” She bent down to take her shoes and socks off. “Don’t know why you haven’t suggested it already. Do I have to come up with everything around here?” 

He didn’t respond and she looked up to find him gawking. 

“What?”

The Doctor stared at her, expression gone blank. “Would you really…?” 

Donna stood, pulling him up with her. “Of course I would. If you― if you’d want to. Of course.”

“Of course I _want_ to―“ he said and then visibly reined himself in. “I just― I’m not sure how to explain what you’re offering…”

“Oh, I already know,” she said. “I asked the other Doctor to walk me through it. Wanted to make sure I could before we had a whole argument about it.” 

The Doctor’s features reanimated, slanting indignantly. “You _what?!_ ”

“Oh, just the basics,” she said. “And don’t give me that look. You were going at it with Jack in the marketplace right in front of me!” She realized she was getting the stare of her life. “Don’t look at me like that! It’s not― I just asked him to show me the basics! And I asked you first!” 

“I didn’t― _When_ did you ask me?” 

Donna frowned at the question and the odd tone accompanying it. “I asked you right there in the marketplace, didn’t I? And you said ‘Nooo, Donna…’” She pitched her voice to a mocking approximation of his. “‘It’s too dangerous, Donna. Your little human brain couldn’t _possibly_ ―‘“

“You didn’t ask _me_ ,” he cut in. “You asked _Jack_ to show you.” 

“Well,” Donna huffed, “So I asked the group. But your response was― and I’m quoting― ‘No telepathy with the 21st Century humans!’ Pretty clear, that!” 

“I was talking to _Jack!_ ”

“Well, what does that matter? I’m a 21st Century human, aren’t I? Only two of us on this ship! I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean the other Doctor!” 

“I meant _Jack_ shouldn’t start in with you two in the middle of the street! Like he was clearly not opposed to doing!” 

“Well, why didn’t you bring it up once we were back? And don’t _you_ say it’s because I never spend any time with just you because I’ve been spending a hell of a lot of time with _one of you_ and unless there’s a third one sneaking around here…“ She eyed the walls, suspiciously. 

After a slightly too long pause, she realized the Doctor was staring at her again. 

“…What?” 

“I didn’t… You’d just seen three of us locked in our own minds by telepathy. And there was that whole... incident after the metacrisis... I didn’t think you’d… want to…” He trailed off, running two fingers over his own arm. 

“Oh,” Donna said, deflating. 

The Doctor traced an invisible path up and down his forearm. 

“I’m sorry,” she blurted. “I thought you just didn’t want to try connecting with me because we’re… different…”

He looked away, expression unreadable. “I shouldn’t.” 

Donna winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean― I wanted to be sure I could before I pushed it! But…” She eyed him like he might spook at any sudden movement. “Would you want to connect with me? Now?”

His eyes flicked back to hers and the odd little flecks of color in his irises sharpened, just beyond normal human visual range. “You really would…?”

“I’d love to,” she said, pulling them over to sit on the bed. “If you would.” After a pointed pause, she lifted her hands to hover by his temples. “I know it’s not necessary, but… Like this, right?” 

His pupils expanded, barely ringed by anything but the whites of his eyes. “Exactly like that. Are you sure? You don’t have to…”

She gave him a quick kiss and then resumed her position. 

“Contact.” 

* * *

The Time Lord welcomed Donna in a way that she hadn’t even known to hope for, letting down barriers almost before she even realized they were there. There was something almost sacred about the Doctor allowing her to sink deeper and deeper into his own mind where he was unmistakably ancient and vast beyond comprehension.

Donna loved it, loved him, and felt the same sentiments echoed back a thousand times over.

She remembered, vaguely, that she was supposed to be showing him something, but it was too hard to hold onto single concepts. Every thought sparked endless echoes and it was harder and harder to tell where anything originated or ended. 

The Doctor was the one to disengage, tugging himself loose like working individual threads free from a spiderweb. So careful and cautious. 

The moment they were once again separate, she couldn’t help but press back in, wrapping around him, and pressing her lips to his like she might call his soul back out again. 

The Doctor kissed her back just as desperately. His grip seemed oddly clumsy, like he’d lost track of which limbs connected. 

It wasn’t their most spectacular work. Neither one could bear to let go long enough to do anything properly, but they managed to align just well enough. And it was uniquely fantastic to _know_ that they both wanted to be there for as long as the Universe would let them. 


	17. A Plan

The Doctor was watching Donna butter her toast with far too much interest. 

“What?” she asked.

He blinked at her. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said, adding jam. “But you clearly want to. So let’s hear it.”

The Doctor watched her take a bite, and she could practically hear the gears grinding away. “You… really are interested in including the others, aren’t you?” 

Donna considered any number of sarcastic responses, like ‘Who?’ or ‘To do what, eat toast?’ She conveniently still had her mouth full so she managed to just nod. 

“Are you sure?” he pressed. 

Donna swallowed and clearly enunciated, “Yes, I’m interested. If you are.” 

The Doctor looked at her, wide-eyed like he had in Pompeii when she put her hands over his on the lever. 

“How do you want to do it?” she asked pragmatically. 

His expression turned dumbfounded. “Do we… ask them on a _date_?”

Donna threw her arms out. “How should _I_ know? It’s not like I’ve done this before!” 

“Wh― _You’re_ the human!” 

“Yeah, not exactly a bog standard human setup here, is it?!” 

“Well,” he huffed, and then looked around. 

A whiteboard popped out of a nearby cupboard. 

“Perfect!” He patted the ship, snatching the board over. “Right. We’ll start with 21st Century courtship rituals.” 

* * *

Jack found the bearded Doctor standing outside the galley, glaring at the closed door. “Overdid it last night, huh? You have to use the handle,” he teased, reaching past him to demonstrate. 

The handle clicked uselessly against the lock and the door refused to budge. 

“It’s locked,” Jack said insightfully. “I didn’t know it could lock. Why does the _galley_ have a lock?”

The bearded Doctor continued glaring at it, like he might bore through if he just focused hard enough. “It doesn’t,” he said, scratching absently at his rapidly filling facial scruff. 

Jack scratched his own chin. “Well, crazy idea here…” He raised his hand to the door and knocked two knuckles against it.

There was an oddly silent pause and then the door slid open three inches and the Doctor appeared on the other side. “What?” 

“Why did you lock the galley?” the metacrisis Doctor asked.

“ _How_ did you lock the galley?” Jack added. 

“We’re using it, and the TARDIS can lock anything,” the Doctor answered. And then shut the door again.

“Wh-!” The bearded Doctor rapped this time, less patiently.

The door shucked open again. “What?”

“You can’t just lock us out of the galley!” the metacrisis Doctor said. “That’s where we keep the food, in case you’ve forgotten!” 

“Use one of the other galleys,” the Doctor said. “But not the green one. It hasn’t been pruned for a few centuries.” 

“That’s odd, I didn’t see ’slamming doors in people’s faces’ _or_ ‘withholding food’ on the list. Do you have a second list?” Donna asked sarcastically from somewhere behind him. 

“What list?” Jack asked curiously. 

“What list!?” the Doctor repeated, voice jumping up an octave. “No one said anything about a list! Try the bubble galley. Lovely selection of boba.” He turned to hiss something behind himself, but it was cut off by the door sliding closed again. 

They stared at it for thirteen seconds and then looked at each other. 

“Well,” Jack said. “…Bubble galley, then?” He ran blunt nails through the short hairs just under the scruffy Doctor’s jawline. “I’m liking this, by the way.” 

“Donna’s idea,” the bearded Doctor said, flicking his eyes away from the door. “Think I might leave it for a bit.” 

Jack traced the fine bone structure through the short hairs. “No complaints here.” 

The metacrisis Doctor quirked a smile. “A particularly low bar, but all right.” He caught the immortal’s hand in his own. “Let’s see if I can remember where the bubble galley is.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I've decided to break this series up by little story arcs so that people can hopefully hop off (or on) at certain junctions without having to sign on for this whole crazy ride in advance.   
> For those who aren't into fun poly pods I would recommend hopping off at this point.   
> For those who are on board, more stories are coming in this series (and will be tagged and labeled appropriately).   
> As always, feel free to let me know what you think, but if you've made it to this note at all then thanks for reading!


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